Good Mornin' Breakfas' Bars

Seems like every Tom Dick and Hairy is hawking their own cookbook these days. Am I right? I think I'm right. As if the world needed another cookbook! Well obviously they do or else why would I present to you:

:

COOKING WITH CHUCKY BERRY: 25 RECIPES TO SPOIL YOURSELF WITH

Chapter Un

"Compliments to the chief" is what every good housewife wants to hear after a long day of slaving over  the oven. Your apron has flour all over it, your hair has flour all over it, you have two eggs over your eyes and a bacon smile. But you know what? It was all worth it just to see your happy family eat all of your food. Then they'll fall right asleep in ecstacy! So here's a great recipe to start the morning with...

Good Mornin' Breakfes' Bars

(2 cups) Milk
(1 cup) Lemonade
(1 brick) Fudge - you can get this around the corner.

Mix all that up, stick your finger in it, and out comes a tootsie roll. Drop it in a bowl and add

(1 pinch) bun loaf

Now throw in a 12 oz bag of gummy bears.

Now pour in the wine! Red wine works better than white wine because all of the redness is in the red wine.

Now you're ready to cook that shit.

Heat up a pan with 8 sticks of butter. Let it get real hot at 1,000 degrees so you'll get your mush nice and brown. Nice and hot? Good, now drop it in nice and slow.

While that's cooking, grab two eggs out of the fridge and crack them over your fucking forehead. Let the yoke drip down into your mouth while the egg white forms a glossy mask across your face. Beautiful.

Now take out the bacon bits and sprinkle them on your dog. He'll love it and he'll love himself because it will be like he's made of bacon bits. Good for the doggy self asteem.

POLENTA TIME!

Take a thing of corn. Drill a nice big hole in it. Now stuff your corn hole with a cucumber. If it doesn't fit, try lubricating it with something nice and oily like olive oil, castor oil, or bacon bits. Should be as slick as a used car salsaman.

Which reminds me: It's SALSA time!

Mix up an onion, a tomato,  and cuchi frito suace. Throw it on the floor and dance the mambo on it.
Feel good? That's the spice of life, folks. Bailar!

Ok, now everything should be done. Put on your catcher's glove and take it on home.

Bring the kids in, the husband, the neighbor, your local sheriff, all of his jailed men, your local teamster-type fat guy, and an Indian lawyer.

CHOW TIME, EVERYBODY! "Pass the salt!" "Pass the water!" "pass the bacon bits!"

Just don't pass the gas!   ; )

(You can if you must.)

Taco Hell's New Million Man

I just jazzercised in my pants. And here's why:

Taco Hell is announcing their new TV mascot and his name is Big Bad Don Cheetol the Cheese Luvin' Million Man.

He stinks. He eats garbage out 'a hat. He skateboards to and fro the dojo where he regularly karate chops the fattest of kung fools.

"He got a sock on one foot and a turtle on the other." - Ron Goof

He once dove head-first into a sewer... And came out wearing an alligator skin jacket. (and holding a rat in his mouth.) (and he was covered in raw sewage.) (with a big piece of shit on his head.) (and then a seagull flew by and took a shit on him)

The seagull winked. (then he flew into a wall and died.)

He once made a citizens arrest on the entire NYPD for what they did to Serpico.

He speaks seven languages including Chinese (mandarin), English (muffin), Spanish (fly), French (bread), Dutch (oven), German (shepherd),  and conversational Italian (bread)

He can make a baboon's ass blush.

So now that you know a little about our friend Don, why don't you take a moment to enjoy a nice tall glass of warm milk and stewed prunes, ya' lousy Freddie!

Ya' no good lousy Freddie.

A Word from Jarvis Frankenfooter

Good morning, America! My name is Jarvis Frankenfooter and I want to talk to you about a new exciting product called The Edible Condom. It's not what you think. (yes it is.)

But don't take MY word for it. Just listen to these satisfied customers:

"I ate the edible condom after." - Jason Raughly, Fresno CA

"I'm eating one right now." - George Willborough Sr., Miami FL

"Tastes like dick." - Jennifer Delgado, Patterson NJ

"Uhhh...Huh?" - Ron Goof, Dallas TX

Act now while supplies last! But wait, if you call within the next two seconds I will personally answer the phone with the receiver up my butt. Don't speak fart-talk? No problemo. Hablamos Espanoliola.


Be the envy of all your friends! Impress your extended family! 

But wait! Call within the next two seconds and receive an additional 64 edible condoms, one monkey, a medium sized bag of white chedder popcorn, a pair of 3D glasses, one blue glove, a pre-owned bart simpson doll,  and literally hundreds of blank CDs with partially written data and/or music on them.

Act now while suprise lasts.

1-900-EAT-CNDM

BETTER THAN TWITTER

Welcome to the Peoples Republic of Jellybeans! Yes, the land of a thousand flavors and counting. Grab a fun bag, walk along the rainbow road, and...UH OH! Here comes Sasquatch! Here everybody,  take these cyanide pills!

Hey everyone check this new dance move out! It's called the Funky Chair and all you gotta do is make like you're sitting in a chair and...UH OH! I just slipped on a lemon wedge and fell down on the wedding cake butt-first! It made the groom spit champagne out of his mouth and onto my face so now I'm drunk. Help, Grandma!

Welcome to Jupiter's landing! Ah yes, "Home away from Earth". At this space station spa and resort, the stars are always aligned and...UH OH! Hang on to your moon boots everyone, I'm faaaaaaartiiiiiiiinnnnnng...

(explosion) 

Burger Daniel here! Telling all you kids to stay in school! Or else you'll end up like me, an illiterate little cheeseburger man stuck inside a burger. My best friend is a fucking pickle and american cheese is my blanket. My only comfort are the buns I live betwixt. Actually...come to think of it I like living here. Forget what I said. A burger is a fine place to be! 

"beep bop, bloop blop, beep beep. do do do bleep blop." - Robot 

- Chucky Berry

A Poem of Epic Length, by Chucky P. Bunson Berry

Fellow classmates! It's been a wonderful semester. Learned a lot. Hope to see you all again in the fall. I promise I won't set off the fire sprinklers again.

Congratulations! You just lost the lottery again.

Dear professor,
My dog ate my homework last night. His name is Gerald D. Dog and he's half chocolate lab, half golden retriever. We think he might have some Geman shepherd in him as well. As I understand it, you are a dog enthusiast . According to my  class notes from November 12th, you said, "I have two dogs at home."
In conclusion, as one dog owner to another, have a beautiful day.

P.S. hopefully we can get together some time and chat over those sandwiches I've been thinking about.

Cheers,
Duncoln

Aliens invaded my home last night. They stole my bike. Thankfully they left my beanie baby collection alone. Thought they did probe me.

When Jesus of Nazareth ventured into the streets to preach the Gospel, he was most likely fired from his carpentry job. Later on they probably offered him his old job back but he had bigger fish to fry. (Mathew: 49)

Welcome to the Great Riverboat ladies and gentlemen! Grab a cigar, get some gambling chips by the bar and have a drink on the house. Uh oh! We're sinking!

Do peanuts feel pain? Probably so if they've been de-shelled. How else will they learn their lesson?

To the little fly, I'm sure a single ice cream sprinkle would be plenty. But not for me. More sprinkles please!
(rainbow.)

A book is a terrible thing to read.

All Gods Go To Heaven.

Beware of God.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And so is tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after that. Ah well, same ol' same ol'.

Butter makes everything better. Especially bare butt banister sliding.

I believe snails are God's way of saying, "Follow the slime"

I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Turns out it's butter after all.

My iphone doubles as my cat's ipad.

They say there's mountains in these parts.

Baby flies are called maggots, so how come baby butterflies are called caterpillars? What's wrong with calling them "buttermaggots"?

Why was 9 left sexually unsatisfied? Because 7 ate 9 and 6 came before all of them.

Cradle of Filth is a pretty snazzy band name, I'll give you that.

A ten gallon hat must way a ton! No? Well it looks pretty heavy, let's just leave it at that.

Turtle ass.
Make-believe-lawyer.
Friends with Bennefers starring Ben, Jen, and Dupree.
Remember the alimony.
Burgers are forever.
Plenty of those where I come from! (Banana goblin bat-people)
You're tree house is infested with Keeblers. Better call the Terminator.

My credit card doubles as my pet rat's lunch tray.


-Chucky P. Bunson Berry

How To Make It In Show Biz, by Chucky Berry

First thing is get a good lawyer. Make sure he's a fat pilgrim. If he wears alligator skin undies then look no further. If his hair piece is rainbow color then he's the wrong tootsie for the pop. You need someone who takes themselves deathly seriously and a flamboyant hairdo is a big fat red flag that says, "I'm an idiot with a doctorate in computer math!"

Next up: You need the right look. And this is important. No matter what you look like, you'll need a makeover. I suggest Debby Cherry's Makeover Pavilion: America's first chain of makeover stores serving the ugly people of America since 1643 A.D. (dog years)

Step 3 will make or break your stank ass. To really make it in show biz, whether it's singing, actin', dancin', danzig, doin' the charleston thing-a-marangue, or just straight up old fashioned tom foolery at a pool party, you MUST wear a suit made of 100% corn. Remember that like it's your name.

Which brings us to the last rule of making it in showbiz. "Hello, my name is..." will either be the sentence to spark your career or the sentence that sentences you to jail. No parole. Throw away the key. "We don't need this character in Hollywood, Thank you! Take the bus home, idiot " See where I'm going with this?

Your name is the word people say to refer to you.

 And it's also how you address yourself so make sure it isn't "Shit Head" or "Cow Dick" or "Burger Daniel". You must pick a name that cries out to the world, "IMPORTANT PERSON". So here's a short list of good important and famous sounding names to work off of:

Mos'
Rudolph
St. Nick
Jesus of Nazareth
JFK
Holyfeild
Jabba
Othello
Monopoly (Man)
Furby
Adolph
Maxamillionaire
Furby

So now that you have a good lawyer, your makeover is l@@kin' G@@d, fresh corn suit on, and your new name is Adolph or Furby, Go out and knock on every door you come in contact with.

And THAT'S how you make it in show biz.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a master jingle writer at Nabisco

Eye Candy

My favorite candy is eye candy. Now I know what you're thinking...

...and you thought right.

I like to suck on juicy eyeballs and squish them in my mouth and eat the veins!

- Gross Joe

Tim Bucket In Space

The fastest animal is a Cheetah. Everyone knows that. WRONG. The fastest animal is an alien from Planet 82. He knows no such confines as feet, legs, or DICK. He doesn't know DICK from TITS and that's because his kind evolved from the marshlands of North Xylokrang on Planet 82 where vapor is king and noxious gas is the coin of the realm, my friends.

As soon as I construct my jet pack suit I'll be seeing it all for myself and broadcasting my journeys live via Youtube. That is, if the space goblins accept me as one of their own.

Anyone have any green makeup?

- Tim Bucket

The Real Deal

When I was 26.5 years old Chinese dentists performed unspeakable acts of community theater unto me and my person. Me? Chucky Berry. My person? King Elf the Invaluable.

It all started when Me and my man King Elf the Invaluable bumped into each other at the local ice cream soda parlour fountain drugstore operation. I said, "Yo!" And he said "Yo!" and we pulled each other's pants up. (or "Pance" depending on which side of the swamp you like to barbecue on. )

Then all of a sudden out of nowhere Chinese dentists came out from under the pentagram in the assfault and berated and verbally castrated nosotros dos amigos. "Who flung poo!?" was a particularly loaded question pointed in MY direction.

For the record, I've never flung poo. Off the record, sure I have. But please don't print that in your college newspaper. If you do I'll do something crazy in your classroom like toss a backpack full of loose change across the floor or dress up like a baby.

And THAT'S the real deal.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a part time editor for Reader's Digest's Digest.

Bar Stool Follies

My munchkin got let out the bag. Everybody gathered. He danced on the table as the band played "whistleman's dixie"

and I drank a full ton of beer by pouring it over my head and licking the trickle downs. 

The bartender's name is Boit (spelled Bert) and he keeps a samurai sword displayed above his vodka bottles. 

The barflies all agreed, "he'd use it if he had to." I highly doubt it but I'll nod and smile and lift my glass and say "Thar she blows, ladies" or some other such English sea shanty slogan of yesteryear. 

When the music stops at midnight and the lost and found raffle starts, Boit rings the ding dong and turns on the green light. 

"first up, we have a black sweatshirt that says 'Who Ate My Burgers?'"

$5

$4. 

$3

1 cent.

- 1 cent

- $20

SOLD for negative twenty dollars to the gentleman in the black sweatshirt  that asks, "Who Ate my Nuggets?"

The bar is a place where a man can find a sweatshirt much like the one he's wearing.

Chucky  P.Bunson Berry