Monday, August 16, 2010

I Want What's Coming To Me, by Chucky Berry

A man I know has a strange way of talking. Every time he says "Hello, my name is..." he prefaces it with, "Oh this oughta be a big ol' bunch of bullshit..."

That man is me.

What man is you?

Kids Say the Stupidest Fucking Things, starring Bill Crosby.

Butterscotch is made with real butterscotch whiskey, so I've been told by my bigger friend.

Americans need to pick themselves up by the booty strap on dildo and get paid!

King Arthur took a shit on a rock and called it Eggs Callibur. Stuck a feather up his butt and "that's the macaroni!"

Farewell old chimp. I'll miss your dung fling, your trail of peanut shells, and your cigar smoking the most. Also your terrible stench and business-casual fashion sense.

My favorite song has to be Blowin' in the Wind, by Bob Dylan. The reason it's my favorite song is because I wrote it. I'm Bob Dylan. That's what Bob Dylan probably says.

May I have your attention please? Please stop dancing and make some room for Lenny "the Cha Cha king" Rothberg! Here he comes, ladies... any minute now... Len's been eating potato latkes backstage all night so bare with him. Only kidding... Lenny the Cha Cha king Rothberg... Are we ready? Yes? Okay I'm being told there are some technical difficulties...


A man's weight is worth his payment in gold. For instance, Let's say I weighed 520 lbs., well then give me $520 please. And let's say I went on the atikins diet and now weighed 98 lbs., well give me $98. See how this works?  Don't be cheap. Pay up.

I want what's coming to me.

- Chucky Berry

Monday, August 02, 2010

What is a Hero

What is a Hero

A hero is someone who is a sandwich. They are long and cut down the middle, usually with lettuce and tomato. Mayonnaise is always an option. There are different kinds of heroes. A super hero saves the day! An everyday hero will save you money.

But don't expect a hero to do the impossible. In this world we live in, it is inevitable that evil doers will find a way to control, exploit, and destroy. Villains have existed since the dawn of civilization, and have continuously managed to corrupt people's pursuit of happiness. Don't expect a sandwich to help. If it does, then fine, but it would be unreasonable to assume a hero could do anything to stop crime or save the world. You can't count on a hero to be there for you whenever you're in need. Heroes don't just appear out of thin air like they do in the movies.

And that is why my personal hero is ham and cheese with lettuce and tomato, hold the lettuce. The kind that I imagine Super Man eats.

Who's your hero?

Mine is what I said it was .

- Chucky Berry