Saturday, February 18, 2012

How To Make It In Show Biz, by Chucky Berry

First thing is get a good lawyer. Make sure he's a fat pilgrim. If he wears alligator skin undies then look no further. If his hair piece is rainbow color then he's the wrong tootsie for the pop. You need someone who takes themselves deathly seriously and a flamboyant hairdo is a big fat red flag that says, "I'm an idiot with a doctorate in computer math!"

Next up: You need the right look. And this is important. No matter what you look like, you'll need a makeover. I suggest Debby Cherry's Makeover Pavilion: America's first chain of makeover stores serving the ugly people of America since 1643 A.D. (dog years)

Step 3 will make or break your stank ass. To really make it in show biz, whether it's singing, actin', dancin', danzig, doin' the charleston thing-a-marangue, or just straight up old fashioned tom foolery at a pool party, you MUST wear a suit made of 100% corn. Remember that like it's your name.

Which brings us to the last rule of making it in showbiz. "Hello, my name is..." will either be the sentence to spark your career or the sentence that sentences you to jail. No parole. Throw away the key. "We don't need this character in Hollywood, Thank you! Take the bus home, idiot " See where I'm going with this?

Your name is the word people say to refer to you.

 And it's also how you address yourself so make sure it isn't "Shit Head" or "Cow Dick" or "Burger Daniel". You must pick a name that cries out to the world, "IMPORTANT PERSON". So here's a short list of good important and famous sounding names to work off of:

St. Nick
Jesus of Nazareth
Monopoly (Man)

So now that you have a good lawyer, your makeover is l@@kin' G@@d, fresh corn suit on, and your new name is Adolph or Furby, Go out and knock on every door you come in contact with.

And THAT'S how you make it in show biz.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a master jingle writer at Nabisco