Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Interview with author Jeff Steinman

Chucky Berry:
I'm sitting here with Jeff Steinman, author of Why Does God Hate Me? And Other Rhetorical Questions. 
Jeff, I like the book very much. What was the impetuous to write it?

Jeff Steinman:
Well, the night I was done writing my last book, The Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog, I drank a glass of red wine, slipped into my hot tub with a cigar, and said "Right. Now get back to work, you lazy piece of filthy shit." And then I farted but you wouldn't have noticed if you were there because the hot tub has its own bubbles. So the secret stays with me. 

So you go from one book right to another then?

I told you, I farted. So no. It took me 3 days to fart because I've been holding it in for 3 years.

...And why's that?

I was afraid of exploding. Look, when you're a creative powerhouse such as a Bob Dylan, or a Jeff Steinman, you don't always think rationally. You're a slave to the muse, and sometimes the muse kisses your tits, and sometimes she makes you kiss her's.

You mentioned Bob Dylan. Who are the artists that have influenced you?

More than anyone I'd have to say me: Jeff Steinman. I've showed myself all kinds of things. Just last night I showed me how to cut a potato. The trick is to use a small axe or knife, or scissors might work. I never cared for Bob Dylan. But it's interesting, you know who I like? Believe it or not? Shakespeare. He was on to something. Very "British". And I'm an Anglophile so it all makes sense. 

Will there be an Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. A sequel? 

No. I'm not going to tarnish my legacy like that. 

Where do you see the future of print media?

Everything you read will be on a computer screen. And you'll be able to download entire books on to personal reading devices. 

What you're describing sounds a lot like the present day.

Exactly. Some thing never change. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my bubble bath.

Well thanks for talking to me today.

Don't mention it. Seriously don't mention it.

...Mention what?

What? Oh nothing, just reminding myself of something.

Very well. Thanks for the interview, Jeff.

Yeah...Don't mention it.

I won't.

Monday, November 19, 2012

You Don't See Me Complaining

An old Chinese guy in prison just can't win. If he says "thank you" it sounds like "shank you." And that's a big no-no in the slammer. 

At one time Tyrannosaurus Rex was the most feared, ferocious killing machine of all the dinosaurs. This was in the mid to late 80's. Then Jurassic Park came out and everybody got all excited about "Raptors" because of that one scene. You know the one. 

One summer I decided to work on a science project for the following school year. My thesis: What if Jurassic park really existed? To carry out my experiment I went and bought a turtle, a frog, two lizards, and placed them all on a little island in the middle of a pond not too far from my home.  They all swam away and I failed my science class that semester. 

Christmas use to be about family, giving, and spreading holiday cheer. Now it's all about hurting the bad guys with crazier and crazier traps and follies, and running around New York City without parental supervision. Wait, I'm thinking of Home Alone 2. 

I wish Donnie Brosco kept up his mafia guy act just a little longer. That way Al Pacino would really freak when he finds out the truth: Donnie is an FBI agent. Your whole world just crumpled, my friend. Fahgettaboutit. That's what I'd say if I were in the scene with them. Then Pacino would really blow his top. 

Ice cream gives me a headache, a stomach ache, and a toothache. But you don't see ME complaining!

- Chucky Berry

Chucky P. Bunson Berry is a part time lyricist for Dock Worker's Limerick Monthly