Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Artist Profile: The Bear Riders, By Chucky Berry

Drunk Dan invited me to a recording studio this weekend down on Main Street where he and drummer Buttfro the Clown are mixing their debut album as the Bear Riders, titled "We Can't Get Enough of This $hit!"

I'm sitting by the console in the mixing room on a long couch, facing the back of a fella named Carl. Carl is the owner of the studio and its chief engineer. He sits at the mixing board under the blinking eyes of various electronic "outboard equipment" stacked around him. He has a ponytail and he's wearing sunglasses and he smells like maple syrup (but in a bad way).

A song comes on through the big speakers that hang from the ceiling. "This one's our ballad. Kind of a Sammy Davis Jr. thing" Drunk Dan says between gulps of Schaefer beer. He mouths along with the lyrics:

"Smoke 'em of you got em. And if ya hit rock bottom, don't be so cruel to your mistress, that you forget about Christmas..."

Buttfro the Clown sits in a swivel chair, head turned down nodding to the beat. He momentarily lifts his face with a grin each time one of his drum fills is relayed through the big system. He congratulates himself in whispers; "bingo." "right on the button." "nailed it." "king buttfro."

But the mood in the room is tense and austere like a courtroom trial. And in this court Carl reigns supreme.

Drunk Dan sheepishly tosses his requests to the back of Carl's head in the form of rhetorical questions. "Say Carl, what if we throw in just a little more reverb, or possibly echo, on that background vocal?"

"If it wants it." Carl says expressionlessly.

I ask Drunk Dan what that means. But he looks at me and shrugs his shoulders. "Uh...If who, wants what?" I ask out loud.

Carl swivels his chair around to face me and deadpans "Uh, the song? And uh, the time based digital delay effect?"

It was then that Drunk Dan, in true fashion, threw his can of Schaefer beer at Carl's head. The nearly full can bounced off Carl's noggin and catapulted a fresh stream of foamy brew above. The can bounced onto the mixing board, erupting like a volcano on the little city of knobs, switches, and blinking lights.

I could go on with the rest of the story but that's basically the highlight. Drunk Dan threw a beer can at the guy's head!

The Bear Riders are currently looking to mix "We Can't Get Enough of This $hit!" in Schenectady NY.

Chucky Berry is a part time contributing music journalist to Chuckyberryblog.blogspot.com

Columbo yanked my chain!

Columbo yanked my chain! Columbo yanked my chain!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

kr8 tha past OR head first.

ronald reagan is thought to be the great arbiter, negotioator, and father of moderate hconservatism in modern american history. One might go so far as to say that he, being a personality of hollywood, embodied the mass media ass clown way back in '83 or whatever the hell fucked up year you were born.

Fact is, around 1979, any trace of a cherry tree from 177? was replaced by a Ronald Reagan Happy Potato meal Plastic Rubber fuck toy alla George Bush 1's CIA fagggot bitch Charles Crack 2 society menthol.

Who is the baddest bruva on the block? NIGZON! ThAt's WhO!


"Is that an Irish brogue I detect, Mr. Sanchez?" "No. I'm Puerto Rican." "Of course. Right this way..."

Life is like a box of chocolates: Aww, nuts!

eat my filth

Who's in charge here? No one? Ok fine now I'm in charge. Everybody's fired! You, with the sweater, you're not fired. Get me a scotch on the rocks. Now I just gotta shuffle these papers...I NEED A VACATION!

- C.B.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Chicken Allah King

I invented white chedder popcorn

Meet Chauncey, my chauffeur/ghoul

"Punish the criminal with whip cream atop his head and sprinkles atop that!" - Charles the Warden

Meet Mr. Moffit, my personal assistant, and this is his personal assistant, Mini Mr. Moffit. And over here we have Mini Mr. Moffit's secretary, Little Miss Mini Mr. Moffit. And who do we have here? Ah yes, Little MissMini Mr. Muffin Jr. Okay now that we're all acquainted let's get started shall we?

Chicken Allah King

Where were we? Ah yes, you were saying something about the typical size of a Cheetah's dick, and I was saying that I thought all Cheetahs are female, and then you poured oatmeal on my head and stole my walkie talkie, so I threw your tape recorder out the window and it landed in the pool. Later that summer we listened back to the tape and it sounded
quite strange.

Monkey see, monkey doo doo.

Chucky Berry