Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Winter Movie Reviews, by Sid

Black Swan

In Darren Aranofsky's latest Bunbuster, not a single character recites the famous words, "Ass to ass!" Disappointing, I know, but times change like my soiled undergarments. (Once a year.) Black Swan (2010) was about a couple of shitty girls dancing around like a couple a pussy-boys. I won't go so far as to call Natalie Portman the C-word, but I will say, on record, that she is a kunt.

Rating: Two thumbs up my ass.

Little Fockers

In this splendid threequal, Robert Deniro puts on an Oscar-Meyer-Weiner-worthy performance rivaled only by his portrayal of Alfredo Sauce in 1971's straight-to-skinemax softcore epic, Pump This Plumber, which, of course, jumpstarted his illustrious career. Deniro was back to his vintage self with his classic Italiano delivery of lines, such as "Ayyyy, datsa MY ring-a-pop!" and "Dibba dibba dibba dibba!" 

Ben Stiller was typically hilarious in a "Who the fuck farted?" kind of way that had me unfathomably hysterical and angry. I had only problem with this film and it might not have been noticeable to you lay-people who don't have experience in the film industry. So please forgive me if this spoils some of Hollywood's "movie magic," but those little kid actors kept staring at me through the screen and they were VERY evil.

Rating: A thumb in the bun is worth two in the stool!

True Grit

While I appreciate what the legendary Coen Brothers were going for in their action-packed remake of Brokeback Mountain, the piece-of-shit storyline was a thinly veiled allegory for the time that my dog made a mockery of me in front of my friends at my 7th birthday party.  Even so, this film had me literally on the edge of my seat, standing on my tippy-toes, threatening to jump on my fellow movie-goers, butt first.

Rating: Two sideways thumbs going in a circle.

Sid is a part time contributing editor to

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Forrest Gump for President.

The Danish King was said to have ruled with a sword in one hand, and a Danish in the other.

America runs on Duncan.

When the Queen dies her son will become Queen. And he shall rule England from the top part to the lower bit, "And Ev'rything in betwixed!"

Contrary to popular belief, Class President is not a popularity contest. It's a real life position in government. And as Class President and Commander in Chief of this High School, I'm committing 20,000 of our troops to be deployed to Mars as of 2pm today. I'll be taking questions now...

In order of Greatness to Leastness:
God > The Pope > Archbishop > Archibald > Archie > Jughead > Primate > Mate > Mat > Rat > Dung Beetle > Genius Centipede > A rather dull Centipede > Portobello Mushroom > A piece of wood or a fucking rock > Bacteria > Primordial one celled blob > Licorice Jelly Bean

Your Holiness the Pope, I have some unfortunate news from the archdiocese in Mars. They ran out of wafers. Should I... Send some more?

Contrary to popular belief, the peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. WRONG. It is both those things. Now get me a Lemon Spritzer before I set fire to this plastic bag and make it smell so horrible in here!
The Pope thinks we built a Catholic Church on Mars. Just go with it, OK?

I want you to know that we're considering you for the position. It's between you and one other. The other candidate we're considering is a Treasure Troll Doll. He appeared at my secretary's desk during the holidays. He has no experience in the field, and zero education. But on the other hand, You're a gingerbread man.

My apologies. I thought you were a gingerbread man.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a professional part time political analyst for


Attention all students:

Classes are canceled today due to the snow storm. The storm left 12 feet of snow on top of my head. I am the dean, in case you were wondering. I write this to you now via blackberry, from inside an igloo like cavity beneath the snow mountain by the gym. Accompanying me is a little snow fox named Camus. At least that's what he responds to.

I am afraid I won't make it past lunch time if I don't receive some form of nourishment in the next hour. This is important: The student council is to report immediately to the science lab (non- Asians are exempt). You are to purchase approximately 200 bags of Peanut M&Ms from the vending machine in the hallway. Now go to where the lab mice are and secure The Peanut M&Ms to their backs. Equip each mouse with a little vest made from Hand Warmers. Release them atop the mountain! I'll send out a mouse bating tone on my black berry; frequency set to "Cheese".

Now, while the soldier mice bury their way to me, you are to construct a little flame thrower to be given to the King Mouse. I believe this can be done using a cigarette lighter and a Silly Band bracelet. If you need help call Professor Vinadaloo at his home number (555)- 555-5555. Tell him I've done it again.


- The Dean

Monday, December 27, 2010

Things to say at Christmas Dinner

I ate my dinner and now I demand dessert. Midnight snack is next and then breakfast. (Then comes lunch!)

Everyone be quite while my nephew recites his diatribe.

Do you have what it takes to meet Simon?

Unimaginable, my dear duckling.

I believe that you didn't commit the crime, but my partner here doesn't. So let's start again from the beginning. Did you put the fry up Ronald's butt?

I'm the sheriff of McDonald land. Its ironic, but Hamburgler keeps me in business.


Chinese dwarf buns.

Who died and put you, Charles, in charge?

Meet me out back by the septic tank.

Chinese dwarf buns. $6.99 come with free soda.

Do you accept...plastic?

Let's all relax and take a minute to think about the old folky days when Apple Pie drove his tractor from farm to shining farm.

Being the Sheriff of McDonald Land? It's like anything else. You try not to take the job home with you. The Happy Meal Gang is our biggest problem right now. They're in dispute with the Fry Guys. A lot of violence lately. Ketchup everywhere.

Thank you Dean Silverman for that lovely introduction. Now, who here remembers the 60's?! If you remember then you weren't there, babe! Yeah! I TIME TRAVELED HERE!!!... Was I not suppose to say that?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from All of Us Here at Chucky Berry Blog!

- Chucky Berry

Friday, December 17, 2010



Where the happy leprauchans sing:

"Rrow rrow rrow yer boat, gently down the strream. Melody melody melody melody life is but a sham"


Where a black man can do his thing.


Pizza hut there? I'm on my way...


Green goblin of the western shore.


No English need apply!


Pot o' gold under every happy cat. Give him a wafer and he'll take a nap. Give him a spank and he'll reveal his sack!


The pope's little doggy.


Everybody freeze! This is an HBO documentary.


Jimmy Cagney, see. The coppers are on my trail but don't look back. Like Dillon in the movies, see.


Fat Chance Charley once traded me a nickel for a slice of wet bread on the Bowery. What a dumb Kraut!


Pour Whiskey on me head, laddy! Don't be stingy. Go head now... Ah! Tis a a fine tradition.


A wild rover found a four leaf clover, he diddled his daddle by his Rosie's saddle and Seamus saw the whole thing from under the wheel barrow.


Hey Vinnie, 'dey got pizza ova' there in Ireland?

How Should I knows? Fawgettaboutit. Eat ya' pizza.


May all her sons fight on behalf of The English. Welcome to Conn-ect-tic-cut, white man!


Green Emeralds in the English Crown: George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Morrissey, Johnny Rotten, Elvis Costello, Eddie Murphy.


Mr. Potato head man for prime minister.


Yeats is my butler.


Northern Ireland!


My blood runs as green as Hi-C Ecto Cooler and just as sweet, me deary.


The Tricolor flag: Green is for cash money, White is for Boston, and Orange is the colour of me Rosie's' orange hat.


Hey Vinnie, 'dey got Druids ova' there in Ireland?

What? Fawgettaboutit. Da Druids was elsewhere. Eat ya pizza.


Rolling hills, friendly people, rainbows galore, a vacation to remember.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Special Offer

The choice is yours. You can go with this, or you can go with the other option. But before you make your decision, let me just say this: I'm willing to give you a two for one deal. That's right. Act now and receive two for the price of one. How does that sound, yeah? So do we have a deal? Great. Here are your TWO gorilla balls. With tax that comes to $5 please.

This is Chucky Berry and I'm here today to tell you about an exciting new product straight from the Jungle. For centuries the Chinese people of Africa have used gorilla balls in their secret medicines as a cure for everything from headache to leather butt. I wear them around my neck to attract friends. And I know you will too!

Confused? Ha ha, that's OKAY. The versatile uses for gorilla balls are virtually endless. With me today to help explain the science behind the magic of gorilla balls is real scientist Jonathan Pepper MD. Now, Dr. Pepper can you explain to our folks at home what gorilla balls are and the mystical mysterious ways in which they work?

Hello, I'm Dr. Pepper, not to be confused with Dr. Pepper the soda. Ha ha. No, I'm Dr. Pepper the soda. I mean scientist.


- Chucky Berry