Monday, May 27, 2013

Two Ways to Use Italics

Part of me likes to relax pool side, sipping on a frozen daiquiri, listening to mellow Caribbean music and taking in the hot sun. The other part of me swallowed my bathing cap so maybe I should just go to the hospital? Can you drive me? Hopefully we can get back in time before they close the pool.  (Wouldn't count on it. Today is all about the bathing cap incident.)

And that's how you ruin a vacation.

Hands up, ya varmints! This here is a stickup. I'm Cowboy Slim and that there's my partner Jim Crook. We're robbing this here saloon and there ain't no sheriff in the country of Texas gonna stop us. So put your valuables... OUCH! I just shot my own dick off. OK listen up everybody, there's been a change of plans on account of me shooting my own dick off.  Jim Crook's gonna collect them valuables from you. Talkin' gold coins, gold nuggets, sterling silver, precious stones, gems such as rubies and emeralds, Indian turquoise, and whatever currency you're carrying. 
Meanwhile I'm gonna take a quick trip to the doctor on account of my shooting my own dick off.

Can't believe I just robbed a saloon and shot my own dick off.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dan M. Gene-Jackette

If your name is Dan M. Gene-Jaquette then why not call yourself Denim Jean jacket? It's the same difference. Plus it's never a bad idea to match your name with your outerwear so you leave people with something memorable about you. They'll say "What was the name of that French guy who wore the denim jean jacket? ...Ooooh yeaaah!"

You see how easy it is? That's why I changed my name from Taylor Dzoot to "Tailored Suit". Because that's the kind of thing you'll see me wearing. Fine Italian Tailored Suits. With slicked back hair and designer sunglasses. My shoes cost more than you'll make all  year. 

Who knows, maybe someday you could be like me, a great white shark-man in a SeaWorld full of seals, guppies, and puffins.  

But it's doubtful. Not with a name like "Denim Jean Jacket."

Accept your fate. 

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

This Holiday Season

Nothing says "I care" more than a Holiday card that literally says "I care" when you open it, spoken in clear plain English. Too bad that technology is at least 2 years away. Until that glorious day when we teach paper to talk, we'll just have to settle on using Hallmark cards; in all their neo-abstract-impressionist pretentiousness. 

Also I want a talking rug, that says "ouch"! when I step on him, and a sassy talking light bulb, "How many of YOU does it take to screw ME in?" He'll entreat.

But I digress. This Holiday season try to remember what really matters: the difference between what you spent on gifts and what you think the gifts you received are worth. 

Here's hoping for a net positive. 

- Santa Clause

The Man from Kentucky

One time I was at an upstate apple orchard where I struck up a conversation with a man from Kentucky. I've never been to the "Ol' KC" so I asked him what it was like. "Well" He thought for a second. "You're taking too long" I said. That's the problem with Kentuckens, they think the world owes them something. I then brandished my 100% authentic Japanese Samurai sword I bought that week from the home shopping network. "welcome to New York" I said in a gruff voice as I did a karate twirl and cut a limb off an old apple tree beside us. The branch fell to the ground along with a couple ripe apples. "How you like them apples"? I asked rhetorically. 

By this time the impressed man from Kentucky was well on his way to the front entrance. He looked like he was in a hurry, like he was racing in the Kentucky derby. I'm guessing he was eager to tell his wife, or whoever, all about the awesome man he just met. 

I looked down at the slain apples on their deathbed of autumn leaves. A perfect still-life of golden yellows and cinnamon reds as if arranged for an Old Master painting. Then I noticed a fucking worm in one of the apples. Disgusting. I quickly looked around and saw a bird overhead. I pointed to the worm for him to eat. I waved my hands high and shouted out "worm here!". Despite my vigorous effort to grease the food chain, so to speak, the bird flew off. Maybe he saw a bigger, juicier worm in another apple over yonder. 

Just one of many stories from "the big apple". 

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Part of Me

Part of me really wants a big two story house on a tree lined block in the suburbs, with a trophy wife and kids, and a couple expensive race cars in the garage. The other part of me will eat barbecue sauce packets for dinner. 

Part of me wants to be the life of the party, dress real slick like the guys in GQ magazine, and impress everyone with a careful mix of dry whit and unpretentious confidence. The other part of me wants to crawl out of a toilet, like a little extra terrestrial shit-man. "T.P. phone home! T.P. phone home!" and then I roll around the floor spitting at people. 

I use to have regrets, but I soon came to realize that regrets are for losers. You should never regret anything in life. I really wish I didn't regret stuff when I was younger. Man, how could I be so stupid?