A Nonchalant Little Miss Muffit Man, by Drunk Dan

This is Drunk Dan with a public service announcement. FREE DRUNK DAN!
The coppers nabbed the Dan this afternoon while I was chasing an enemy chipmunk through the park. Little piece of Alvin shit stole my last walnut. I know what yer saying. You're saying, "Drunk Dan, now what the hell are you doing running around the park chasing chipmunks and sparrows and the like in the middle of the afternoon? Don't you have a J-O-B?" Well fella, just so happens my J-O-B stands for Jogging Over Bushes. so, uh, yeah.

That's my problem with the millionaire crowd. They think just cuz you're not pulling in fat stacks of greenbacks that you're automatically a menace 2 society. They'll look at someone like Drunk Dan and roll their eyes way back into their top hats. They don't see Drunk Dan the classic rock guitarist, the generous sexual partner, the Schenectady Little Bowlers Champion of 1982, or the proud veteran. That's right, I fought in the War On Drugs for 14 long, harrowing, hazy, fun years.

But I don't do drugs any more. Matter of fact, I don't even smoke them. I just drink my beers and try to feel as good as possible with as little regrets as someone like me can make.

And when I get out of county lockup this weekend you're all gonna see someone a little taller, a little slimmer, and a little braver, because that's what the cocaine in county jail does to you. So I'm told. And who knows, maybe I'll find that little chipmunk digging out my walnut from beside a clover patch in the park. Only this time, instead of stripping naked and running while knocking people's sodas out their hands, I'll just waltz on over like a nonchalant little miss muffit man and say, "Excuse me, pal. But I believe you have something that belongs to me." And like a gentleman I'll tip my hat, and quickly show him my gun.

Who the fuck knows, ya know?

- Drunk Dan

Nature's Candy, by T.D.

We here at Nature's Candy believe in wholesome food for kidz. But we also know that kidz like junk food. So that's why we make snacks that kidz love, in the shapes and colors of healthy food in order to fool their parents and other concerned adults.

Hungry on the go? Grab a handful of Carrot-Crunchumz! 100% real fucking candy corn in every bite. In the shape of carrots.

That's our only product so far. If you have any more ideas* please send them to:

THE DEVIL
666 Hellhound Lane
Suite 13A
New York, NY

Hell

*Other ideas previously sent in and subsequently rejected by Nature's Candy include human shit in candy bar form, a candy bar in human shit form, a "banana" made of butter,  Mike's Hard Lemonade, candy cigarettes that are actually real cigarettes, and vodka sold in water bottles, which sounds like a great idea except PLASTIC BOTTLES ARE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, PEOPLE.


- The Devil

Two simple questions

What if rap singer/actor/producer Ice Cube had a mushroom haircut and out of that "mushroom" grew another mushroom? A real mushroom like the kind you find in fantasy land. Would a bee take his siesta on top?

And what about Climate Change? I for one believe in the theory of Rain Rain Go Away.

Perhaps the two issues are related. Ice Cube could do a Hip Hop Hooray and make it rain another day.
Just an idea. If anyone reading this happens to have intimate relations with Mr.Cube, please have him step into my office and we'll do lunch. Right here at my computer desk next to the stack of blank paper and the cool snow globe. (And while we're at it, maybe "Ice Cube" can tell me how they keep the snow in the snow globe from melting!) Doubt it.

CHUCKY BERRY

The Big House

The Devil made me do it. The Devil and the dog. The Devil, the dog, and Colonel Mustard in the dressing room. I got caught peeking and they blackmailed me. The Devil said, "If you don't steal that pie from Missus Pumpkin for us, we're going to...we're going to...We'll put a bomb in your shoe!"

Like I would fall for that! I'm not a fucking idiot. I haven't worn shoes since. Only boots and sneakers THANK YOU VERY MUCHO MR. ROBUTO.

So that's the way el cookie crumples, am I right friends? One day you're minding your own shitty business, peeping through all the secret rooms in a scary mansion, and the next day you're defending your actions in front of 40 Internet nazis such as yourselves (no offense.) but I just want to make this point extremely clear: I is not do what bad guy be. ME EQUALS ALWAYS NOT THAT.

Further more, moving forward, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, at this juncture, at this junction, not for nothing,  you gotta ask yourself: "What is it exactly that I'm trying to say here?"

The answer may surprise you. It may even give you a reverse wedgie.

I know it did for me. ; )

C.C.B.P.Berry

P.S. I just want to give a shout out to my homies, The Mouse That Ran the Clock, John the Elder Jr., Don  DeMafiarelli, and I can't forget my heart, my number one homie through thick and thin, Rufus Toothless. We'll miss you, girl.