Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Limits of Control, a movie review by Drunk Dan

Drunk Dan here, ladies and germinators. I saw a film today, oh boy. Its called "the limits of control" and its by Jim Jarmish. Now I very well might a been drunk at the time, and I'm not a movie expert by any means, and I'm not a man of many words, but if I had to review this movie I would say it sucks my goddamn dog's friend's dick. His name is "Blampho-mabluxley" and he is NOT A REAL LIVING PERSON, he's figman of the goddamn dog's imagination. He's what the dog thinks of when he thinks of the perfect human man. Matter of fact, the movie sucked so bad I felt like I was watching a fuckin' french fashion show while my ex-girlfriends kicked me in the dick till I sharted. Sitting there looking at the screen I could only think of one simple thing: Take a pill to turn me into a giant and stick my giant ass on the screen and burp at the audience. Everyone who hated the movie would say "fuck yeah!" and everybody who liked the movie would probably go fuck each other in the bathroom BECAUSE THEY ARE HORNY FOR THEMSELVES JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE WAS HORNY FOR IT-SELF. Left me so un-horny my dick turned into yellow jello. 
I give it a C+
- Drunk Dan

Monday, May 04, 2009

A Chemical Reaction, by Tim Bucket

Modern medicine is tricky, Chuck. That's why I make sure not to ingest anything consisting of a chemical substance. WRONG! Everything is chemicals. The orange juice you drink in the morning is a mixture of H2O, glycerin, and citric ACID. I know what yer saying. Yer saying, "but Tim Bucket, I water down my O.J. in the morn'!" But when I hear something like that it just puts a giant smile on my face and I cross my arms and I close my eyes and I'm smiling and I reply with a smile, "That just makes it more potent." The reason I'll say something like that is to trick you. Put you off your guard and open your mind to learning something.
Fact is, the natural world has many helpful, and harmful, chemicals to offer us. Regardless of their organic or man-made origin. For instance, take the venom of the Apache Trail Ghost Serpent. The chemicals she releases upon biting will literally send your soul into the 10th dimension. The ghouls are immune. Goblins know better. It's people that don't get it, man. 
People don't get it, man.

Tim Bucket