Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I was going to write a movie review today for Haneke's The White Ribbon, a fantastic psychological portrait of the Nazi generation as children before the first world war, growing up in the most uber gothic place known to menchen, Germany. I was going to write that review and it was going to be both informative and introspective.
Instead I'd like to take this time to talk to you about a new exciting product called "CHUMBLY WUMBLY'S CHOCO-ELIXER". It comes from the Andes Mountains of Southern Quebec and it goes down smooth like wet bread! When you're feeling bad it makes your mouth smile, and when your feeling sad it makes your eyes cross. It will turn your boring ol' brown hair bright blond and your bleached out beehive into a shimmery shiny Saint Patric's day-quality green novelty wig. Just in time for Saint Paddy's day! But lookout, Grandma! Here's something the whole family can enjoy: Every bottle of CHUMBLY WUMBLY'S CHOCO-ELIXER comes with a FREE scratch n' sniff mystery patch made from 100% synthetic pig butt skin. But wait! Act NOW and you'll receive a coupon for one personal pie at Dominose Pizza. Dominose Pizza! (Just imagine the steaming Pizza Cheese* and that chunky red tomato dressing!)
Supplies are going fast so ACT NOW! Be a part of the American dream and order your very own patriot's portion of CHUMBLY WUMBLY'S CHOCO-ELIXER (100 40 oz bottles) for the very special low ball price of

1 chicken nugget!

- Chucky Berry

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Porpoise and a Raisin

Well today started out as CRAZY as ever! I woke up this morning at 5 am to the sound of a bird chirping. Being hungover and half asleep I figured it was probably just a small winged dinosaur nibbling away at the leftover fried rice at the foot of my bed. I was wrong. No wait, I was right. Realizing the potential danger of the situation, my fight or flight instincts kicked in. I shouted, "This is the police! La POLICIA! Hands up!". He instantly froze and stared at me. "hands up I say!" I yelled again pointing my clasped gun like hands at the intruder. He stared at me blankly then proceeded to very slowly bring another spoonful of delicious Chinese food to his mouth. As If wouldn't notice. "wise guy, huh?" I asked rhetorically. He then opened his mouth I shit you not and uttered the following:
"Yes. Yes I am a wise guy. But for is it not the wise guy who gets the rice? I believe Franklin said that. I believe he also said that we're all here for a porpouse and everything happens for a raisin. Haha, that was a bit of a joke you see. The real saying goes..."
I didn't want to hear any more of this damn varment's bullshit. I wanted answers and I wanted them quick.
"OK wise guy! Cut the crap. I want some real advice and I want it now, wise guy. Tell me your wisest piece of wisdom!", I demanded. He looked a little unnerved. He gulped and loosened his tie a bit (did I mention what he was wearing? A tuxedo). "Yes very good." He replied squinting his eyes as if reading from a book inside his insane brain. Slowly, he began, "The most wise thing I can tell you is" In a low gravely whisper, he continued, "...is...is...is!" his whisper exponentially grew into a shout, "IS!!" I go so excited at the prospect of learning such a golden nugget of top secret information I jumped up wide eyed and smiling, "yes?? Yes?? What is it??!"
At this point the little dinosaur was like a boiling pot of spaghetti about to overflow because you didn't stir him enough or add salt, I guess. He got on his tippy toes and pointed a finger in the air in proud declaration. "IS!!"
"IS??!" I asked/yelled, "IS??" He pulled the switcharoo. I couldn't take the suspense any more! I Ran over to him and pulled his head off and threw it out the window, screaming like a wild caveman. "AHHHHHGHH! JUST FUCKING TELL ME!!!"
I'll guess I'll never know what he was going to tell me that fateful night. Maybe I missed out on the single most enlightening piece of wisdom of my life. Maybe I didn't. Maybe he was just fooling me. Takin' me for a ride. Pulling my leg. Pulling the shirt over my head. Yanking my chain. Giving me one heck of a snow job. Maybe he was just stalling, biding time in the hopes that I'd excuse myself to use the bathroom at some point and then he'd run out of the house, make a dash for it, probably swiping a bag of my Chips A'Hoy along with him.
Ah, keep it little feller. I got a whole years worth.

- Chucky Berry