Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Good Old Days ARE back!

The good old days are back! And here's the pudding-proof, motherfucker:

I woke up this morning with a ten foot boner.


three times a homer.

And now ladies and gentleman (drum roll please!) the moment you've all been waiting for, without further a do, please give a big warm welcome for ODIE!

Garfield would have wanted it that way.

The official breakfast cereal of pop music duo, Hall and Oats.  "What do YOU put in YOUR Hall 'N' Oats?" asked Daryll Hall in the most recent commercial for Hall 'N' Oats Breakfast Cereal.

"I put in oats!" said Oats.

"I put in milks!" said Hall.

"And I put in the cheesy synthesizers!" said some other guy.

Mmmm, cheeesy synthesizers.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Road Head with Demi More

I know a guy who had a near-sex experience. What happened was, he fell off a cliff while driving, on the verge of YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

Road Head:  A one act play about doing YOU-KNOW-WHAT while driving, starring Jennifer Aniston and Sir Ashton Kutcher.

Scene 1 (In which Ashton get's a YOU-KNOW-WHAT from Demi More all while driving his friend Stifler's car off a cliff and dies.)
Hey Demi, that's so cool what you're doing right now. I'm the luckiest guy in the woooorld!!!!........

(Falls off a cliff. Car explodes 5 times)

                  The Car
YOU IDIOT!!!!!.......


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Good Mornin' Breakfas' Bars

Seems like every Tom Dick and Hairy is hawking their own cookbook these days. Am I right? I think I'm right. As if the world needed another cookbook! Well obviously they do or else why would I present to you:



Chapter Un

"Compliments to the chief" is what every good housewife wants to hear after a long day of slaving over  the oven. Your apron has flour all over it, your hair has flour all over it, you have two eggs over your eyes and a bacon smile. But you know what? It was all worth it just to see your happy family eat all of your food. Then they'll fall right asleep in ecstacy! So here's a great recipe to start the morning with...

Good Mornin' Breakfes' Bars

(2 cups) Milk
(1 cup) Lemonade
(1 brick) Fudge - you can get this around the corner.

Mix all that up, stick your finger in it, and out comes a tootsie roll. Drop it in a bowl and add

(1 pinch) bun loaf

Now throw in a 12 oz bag of gummy bears.

Now pour in the wine! Red wine works better than white wine because all of the redness is in the red wine.

Now you're ready to cook that shit.

Heat up a pan with 8 sticks of butter. Let it get real hot at 1,000 degrees so you'll get your mush nice and brown. Nice and hot? Good, now drop it in nice and slow.

While that's cooking, grab two eggs out of the fridge and crack them over your fucking forehead. Let the yoke drip down into your mouth while the egg white forms a glossy mask across your face. Beautiful.

Now take out the bacon bits and sprinkle them on your dog. He'll love it and he'll love himself because it will be like he's made of bacon bits. Good for the doggy self asteem.


Take a thing of corn. Drill a nice big hole in it. Now stuff your corn hole with a cucumber. If it doesn't fit, try lubricating it with something nice and oily like olive oil, castor oil, or bacon bits. Should be as slick as a used car salsaman.

Which reminds me: It's SALSA time!

Mix up an onion, a tomato,  and cuchi frito suace. Throw it on the floor and dance the mambo on it.
Feel good? That's the spice of life, folks. Bailar!

Ok, now everything should be done. Put on your catcher's glove and take it on home.

Bring the kids in, the husband, the neighbor, your local sheriff, all of his jailed men, your local teamster-type fat guy, and an Indian lawyer.

CHOW TIME, EVERYBODY! "Pass the salt!" "Pass the water!" "pass the bacon bits!"

Just don't pass the gas!   ; )

(You can if you must.)