I heard a bird chirping outside my window this morning. He was brilliant! His song sounded like the graduation song. I peered out the window, trying not to make any calamitous noise, so I could study this fine fellow. There he was perched on the wooden fence outside my window. I know it sounds a bit anthropomorphic but he looked at me with an ancient curiosity, something that has surely existed between Us and Them since the dawn of mamalia as we know it. We stared at each other, he and I, for a long while. Then he winked and farted at the same time. It would have been funny, except he failed to anticipate the following: 3 seconds after he farted, he took an explosive shit. Most of it got on Figaro, the neighbor's cat. Figaro, eyes covered in a swirl of white and green bird shit stood up on his two back legs and pawed at the air as if fighting some ferocious enemy. "Why!?"He cried out. The bird flapped his wings and was gone. The cat, momentarily blinded, walked straight into a steaming pile of horse shit. Realizing the absurdity of the situation, Figaro slunked down where he stood and uttered the following: "If there is a God, I am His humble servant. For He and He only knowith the strange and often cruel orders the world doth bestowe upon us all."
"Fuck you!" I yelled out. It was sure as hell funny at the time, but looking back on it, I should have helped a friend when he was down. After all, Figaro has been there for me in the past. I fell asleep for a week one time and he took my children to school.