Monday, August 31, 2009

Bugs Are Horny, a poem by Buttfro The Clown

Bugs are horny.
I'm a poet and I don't even donought.
Hello everybody, I made a mistake!
Chucky Berry owns me.
Yeah right. What a BEEYOTCH.
Double turtle fuck.
I went to the beach last friday and I saw a fat bitch throw a $400 bottle of champaigne at her boyfriend. It was because he had 80 cell phones on him. I know him his name is Rodrigo and he's my hookup.
There was a rainbow on the beach. But a whale farted and the rainbow turned all green and instead of a leprichaun, a goblin slid down with a sack full of sand crabs. He ran around and placed them under everyone's butt. He did it quickly and he had to because he needed to break the record: 15 minutes.
I am the former champion. Chucky berry before me.
Bugs are horny and I know this how?
when we were packing up I saw a fly jerk off on a rock.
- Buttfro The Clown

Hello, From County Jail! By Drunk Dan

Drunk Dan here! With some friendly advice: If you've ever been arrested for a crime you don't think you did and you go to court and they give you a public defendant but he claims "attempted manslaughter" is "not a legal term" so you fire him, and you remember My Cousin Vinny and how great everything turned out and so you think it might be a good idea to call up a family member who claims to be a lawyer, DON"T DO IT. Stick with the first guy. Here's why...
The following is a transcript from my case I got from the court stenographer. Me and her go way back. Like back of my camarro back. But that's a whole nother story! Anyway here is why you should not let your mom's cousin's son with a speech impediment be your defense attorney...

"(Judge Harold F. Brown:)
Will the defence please state it's case? What's going on here?
(Ferdidando 'The Lawyer':)
Thank you your hieneth. Now...Ladieth and gentleman of da juwwy, my client ith...guilty. You know he guilty, me know he guilty, da judge, he know he guilty. Now, me thdupid, but me not cwathy. Me undathdand da diffwenth between going to thcool, and going to da thdaw. Eating theweo, and going to da baffwoom, Going to thleep, and going to thpathe. (looks up to the ceiling) Ladieth and gentleman of da juwwy, (looks to judge brown) I wetht my cathe your majethty.
(Judge Harold F. Brown:)
Sir, can you please approach the bench?
I'm on my coffee bweake. Pleathe be quite."

Well there you have it. So it looks like I'll be going to jail for the next couple years or so. Hopefully I'll get blogging privileges. Me and the deputy warden go way back...

Free Drunk Dan!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Something completely different, by Tim Bucket

I know everyone expects me to write about my experiences in paranormal exploration and supernatural activity on this blog but today I want to take a full 360 degree turn to talk about something completely different. WRONG! Think again, people. Here are the facts:
1. Ghouls are killing people at an alarming rate and we have to put a stop to it. And THAT means EDUCATION, which brings me to number 2:
2. We need to educate ghouls about the laws of living people. Which is why I've been running 12 information booths across local graveyards with the help of some junior high school volunteers.
3. Codey Dooler is NOT allowed back for volunteer duty because gummy bears are PROHIBITED in the graveyard. If you see him, report him. He is a 13 year old, red haired, MORON.
4. bright colored candy upsets the goblins for religious reasons.
5. A good defense when approached by an angry ghoul is to turn your back to him, crouch like a chimp, and pretend to eat chicken nuggets. He'll get curious and try to find your "secret". As he approaches, throw the secret nuggets into the bushes and run in an easterly direction. Hopefully the sun will be rising.
- Tim Bucket

Monday, August 10, 2009

back by popular da man

Chucky Berry here! Back from my four month vacation to Puerto Rico! All I have to say about THAT is: What happens in Puerto Rico stays in Puerto Rico! Which is on U.S. soil, technically speaking.
So I've been reading a heck of a lot of blogs lately. Fashion blogs. Foody Blogs. Blogs about blogs. Most of them re-hash the same ol' kalamazoo but I came across one that said, and I quote, "blogs are for gaylords, transgenitals, and anti-wizards". Well...I thought to myself, "who in the world would write a blog like that?" and myself answered me. Myself said, "Tim Bucket. Either him or Drunk Dan or maybe even you." Well I'm pretty sure Drunk Dan lost his computer to ball lightning,, and I'm pretty sure I don't know what "transgenitals" even is, so I'm gonna go ahead and say that Tim Bucket has started a secret blog in my absence. Has anyone heard from him? Is he a marshmellow? that's an ol' term we use to say back on the farm when a chipmunk would get caught up in a big ol' pile of cow patties and he looked as if he were crying. His name was "Chumpkin".
Back by popular da man,
Chucky Berry