Witchardry, by Gary the Wizard

Greetings. I am Gary the Wizard. Tim Bucket invited me here to share with you all some powerful insights into the Majick of Witchardry & Pagan Gospels, my new book. This book will change your life. I know it has for me. I wrote it in my own blood. All of it!

Here is an excerpt from Chapter One,

"Witchardry is both art and craft. For instance, the mantra I use every winter solstice in order to conjure the spirit of Dwyble, the Homo-demon, I'll say, 'Duck dick, chicken nugget, flower man's walking stick. Pumpkin spice, munchkin hives, a fat fellow's friendly wife. Cat's liver, beaver tail, pussy willow, and the anus of a Caterpillar! May Dwyble the Homo-Demon rise from his coffee break!"

As I said, witchardry is both art and craft.

- GW

Bugs Are Horny, a poem by Buttfro The Clown

Bugs are horny.

I'm a poet and I don't even donought.

Hello everybody, I made a mistake!

Chucky Berry owns me.

Yeah right. What a BEEYOTCH.

Double turtle fuck.

I went to the beach last friday and I saw a fat bitch throw a $400 bottle of champaigne at her boyfriend. It was because he had 80 cell phones on him. I know him his name is Rodrigo and he's my hookup.

There was a rainbow on the beach. But a whale farted and the rainbow turned all green and instead of a leprichaun, a goblin slid down with a sack full of sand crabs. He ran around and placed them under everyone's butt. He did it quickly and he had to because he needed to break the record: 15 minutes.

I am the former champion. Chucky berry before me.

Bugs are horny and I know this how?

when we were packing up I saw a fly jerk off on a rock.

PEACE!

- Buttfro The Clown

Hello, From County Jail! By Drunk Dan

Drunk Dan here! With some friendly advice: If you've ever been arrested for a crime you don't think you did and you go to court and they give you a public defendant but he claims "attempted manslaughter" is "not a legal term" so you fire him, and you remember My Cousin Vinny and how great everything turned out and so you think it might be a good idea to call up a family member who claims to be a lawyer, DON"T DO IT. Stick with the first guy. Here's why...

The following is a transcript from my case I got from the court stenographer. Me and her go way back. Like back of my camarro back. But that's a whole nother story! Anyway here is why you should not let your mom's cousin's son with a speech impediment be your defense attorney...

"(Judge Harold F. Brown:)

Will the defence please state it's case? What's going on here?

(Ferdidando 'The Lawyer':)

Thank you your hieneth. Now...Ladieth and gentleman of da juwwy, my client ith...guilty. You know he guilty, me know he guilty, da judge, he know he guilty. Now, me thdupid, but me not cwathy. Me undathdand da diffwenth between going to thcool, and going to da thdaw. Eating theweo, and going to da baffwoom, Going to thleep, and going to thpathe. (looks up to the ceiling) Ladieth and gentleman of da juwwy, (looks to judge brown) I wetht my cathe your majethty.

(Judge Harold F. Brown:)

Sir, can you please approach the bench?

(Ferdidando:)

I'm on my coffee bweake. Pleathe be quite."

Well there you have it. So it looks like I'll be going to jail for the next couple years or so. Hopefully I'll get blogging privileges. Me and the deputy warden go way back...

Free Drunk Dan!

-DD

Something completely different, by Tim Bucket

I know everyone expects me to write about my experiences in paranormal exploration and supernatural activity on this blog but today I want to take a full 360 degree turn to talk about something completely different. WRONG! Think again, people. Here are the facts:

1. Ghouls are killing people at an alarming rate and we have to put a stop to it. And THAT means EDUCATION, which brings me to number 2:

2. We need to educate ghouls about the laws of living people. Which is why I've been running 12 information booths across local graveyards with the help of some junior high school volunteers.

3. Codey Dooler is NOT allowed back for volunteer duty because gummy bears are PROHIBITED in the graveyard. If you see him, report him. He is a 13 year old, red haired, MORON.

4. bright colored candy upsets the goblins for religious reasons.

5. A good defense when approached by an angry ghoul is to turn your back to him, crouch like a chimp, and pretend to eat chicken nuggets. He'll get curious and try to find your "secret". As he approaches, throw the secret nuggets into the bushes and run in an easterly direction. Hopefully the sun will be rising.

- Tim Bucket

back by popular da man

Chucky Berry here! Back from my four month vacation to Puerto Rico! All I have to say about THAT is: What happens in Puerto Rico stays in Puerto Rico! Which is on U.S. soil, technically speaking.

So I've been reading a heck of a lot of blogs lately. Fashion blogs. Foody Blogs. Blogs about blogs. Most of them re-hash the same ol' kalamazoo but I came across one that said, and I quote, "blogs are for gaylords, transgenitals, and anti-wizards". Well...I thought to myself, "who in the world would write a blog like that?" and myself answered me. Myself said, "Tim Bucket. Either him or Drunk Dan or maybe even you." Well I'm pretty sure Drunk Dan lost his computer to ball lightning, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ball_lightning, and I'm pretty sure I don't know what "transgenitals" even is, so I'm gonna go ahead and say that Tim Bucket has started a secret blog in my absence. Has anyone heard from him? Is he a marshmellow? that's an ol' term we use to say back on the farm when a chipmunk would get caught up in a big ol' pile of cow patties and he looked as if he were crying. His name was "Chumpkin".

Back by popular da man,

Chucky Berry

The Limits of Control, a movie review by Drunk Dan

Drunk Dan here, ladies and germinators. I saw a film today, oh boy. Its called "the limits of control" and its by Jim Jarmish. Now I very well might a been drunk at the time, and I'm not a movie expert by any means, and I'm not a man of many words, but if I had to review this movie I would say it sucks my goddamn dog's friend's dick. His name is "Blampho-mabluxley" and he is NOT A REAL LIVING PERSON, he's figman of the goddamn dog's imagination. He's what the dog thinks of when he thinks of the perfect human man. Matter of fact, the movie sucked so bad I felt like I was watching a fuckin' french fashion show while my ex-girlfriends kicked me in the dick till I sharted. Sitting there looking at the screen I could only think of one simple thing: Take a pill to turn me into a giant and stick my giant ass on the screen and burp at the audience. Everyone who hated the movie would say "fuck yeah!" and everybody who liked the movie would probably go fuck each other in the bathroom BECAUSE THEY ARE HORNY FOR THEMSELVES JUST LIKE THAT MOVIE WAS HORNY FOR IT-SELF. Left me so un-horny my dick turned into yellow jello. 

I give it a C+

- Drunk Dan

A Chemical Reaction, by Tim Bucket

Modern medicine is tricky, Chuck. That's why I make sure not to ingest anything consisting of a chemical substance. WRONG! Everything is chemicals. The orange juice you drink in the morning is a mixture of H2O, glycerin, and citric ACID. I know what yer saying. Yer saying, "but Tim Bucket, I water down my O.J. in the morn'!" But when I hear something like that it just puts a giant smile on my face and I cross my arms and I close my eyes and I'm smiling and I reply with a smile, "That just makes it more potent." The reason I'll say something like that is to trick you. Put you off your guard and open your mind to learning something.

Fact is, the natural world has many helpful, and harmful, chemicals to offer us. Regardless of their organic or man-made origin. For instance, take the venom of the Apache Trail Ghost Serpent. The chemicals she releases upon biting will literally send your soul into the 10th dimension. The ghouls are immune. Goblins know better. It's people that don't get it, man. 

People don't get it, man.

Tim Bucket

Chucky on Music

Concert Review by Chucky Berry.

Saturday night I went to see "Eclipser" aka "The Bear Riders" in their debut concert performance downstairs in the basement. First let me tell ya, there were ladies, there was a keg, I think there was a professional wrestler, there was definitely a couple ex-cons/prison escapees,  and when you put all that together and mix it with loud guitar and drums you get R&R, and I'm not talking about "rest and relaxation",

I'm talking about Rock & Roll.

Oh yeah there was also a Ronald McDonald lookalike (one of BF the Clown's friends) handing out cheeseburgers that, according to Tim Bucket, were spiked with meth-amphetamine. 

The crowd was getting restless, bordering on cabin fever, bordering on regular fever, bordering on malaria, when all of a sudden the lights went out. A low buzzing drone could be heard from the speaker on stage. A squeak could be heard from the drummers stool. Someone farted and BOOM the room went bright with a simultaneous crash of electric rhythm and blues. Exhilerating! I looked over to Dorothea and mouthed "these guys rock!" except it wasn't my ex wife at all but the Ronald McDonald lookalike. I think he thought I said, "another cheeseburger, pal!" because he put one in my mouth. 

The next thing I remember was writing this.

All in all I'd say it was a great show. The crowd was ecstatic, the music was like a bolt of lighting and Drunk Dan and company were on fire. Literally.  Which brings me to my conclusion:

Always keep 151 proof alcohol a good safe distance from a drumming clown who likes to set his sticks on fire and juggle them between songs. 

Get well fellas,

Chuckily Yours,

Chuck B

UPDATE:

Eclipser aka The Bear Riders will be playing at Molly Shenanigans Irish Pub in Cleveland OH, June 9th, @8pm. 

Keep on rockin in the free world.

I'm Drunk Dan and I'm Chucky Berry's neighbor. Except I live in his living room because my apartment got set on fire and immediately flooded in a freak arson/flood disaster. I woke up with a burnt shark on my lazyboy lookin like some kind of barbequed aquamarine couch potato reclining motherfucker watching the price is right. Hell, I lost everything. Except for my gratitude. I'm grateful to god for sending a guardian angel named Chucky Berry. Plus me and his live-in ex get it on (no secret there) so hey I can't complain. More beer would be nice though.  But get this:

The one thing that remained unharmed in my pad was my most prized posession, my Michael Anthony edition Jack Daniels bass guitar. Me and Buttfro the clown started a band in the basement called Eclipser. Either that or the Bear Riders. WE FUCKIN ROCK.

So what else can I tell ya? Life ain't so bad when you got little to lose and everything to gain. 

This is Drunk Dan signing off and saying, keep on rockin in the free world!

I'll drink to that,

DD

Chucky's Back...

Chucky Berry here! Back from my volunteer border patrol service. It was a HOOT! We made s'mores, ate franks and beans, and I spotted a mexican delivery man trying to make a run for it. He got away which was disappointing, but I made some great friends down there with the rest of my unit, the "American Dream Catchers". Great folks.  

Anyway, I'd like to address a couple issues on the blog. Looks like things have gotten pretty stupid around here in my absence. For one, Tim, you need to stop doing whatever it is you do. Dorothea, I sincerely apologize for his comments and for the record I do not think our kid's poems STINK. And as for the porno spam robot lady, I don't know who "Larry" is, but thanks for contributing to Chucky Berry Blog.  Your erotic story(?) was very sexy.  A confessional, brave, lyrical modern masterpiece. That's the review I read for a movie once and I have no qualms applying it to your thing.

Berrily Yours!

Chucky Berry