A New One

Phillip Roth wrote a book about me. It's called The Turd Bungler and it's about a guy with a dog who can't seem to pick up the dog doo doo without (by accidentally) tossing it in my neighbor's mouth.

Phillip Roth wrote a book about my cousin, his name: Cousin 8 Ball. He's cool as Hell and warm as Heaven. One time he smacked a fool with a Kraft Single right across the butt-face.

That phool his name was Ron. You may know him as Ron Goof of Dallas TX, but who the fuck cares who you know, son? This ain't the "I know him!" game. This is real life goofy stuff on the internet. Now shutup and gimme twenty pushups. I'm the kernal!

Hoagies from Heaven starring Hulk Hero. Today's episode: "Hold the mayo"

"Hold it where"? asked the deli man. I guess that was his idea of a joke. Well two can play at that game. "Hold it up your refrigerator's CUNT." I said.

AND THAT is how you simultaneously take it too far, while also not making sense.

- Chucky Berry

Interview with author Jeff Steinman

Chucky Berry:

I'm sitting here with Jeff Steinman, author of Why Does God Hate Me? And Other Rhetorical Questions. 
Jeff, I like the book very much. What was the impetuous to write it?

Jeff Steinman:

Well, the night I was done writing my last book, The Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog, I drank a glass of red wine, slipped into my hot tub with a cigar, and said "Right. Now get back to work, you lazy piece of filthy shit." And then I farted but you wouldn't have noticed if you were there because the hot tub has its own bubbles. So the secret stays with me. 

So you go from one book right to another then?

I told you, I farted. So no. It took me 3 days to fart because I've been holding it in for 3 years.

...And why's that?

I was afraid of exploding. Look, when you're a creative powerhouse such as a Bob Dylan, or a Jeff Steinman, you don't always think rationally. You're a slave to the muse, and sometimes the muse kisses your tits, and sometimes she makes you kiss her's.

You mentioned Bob Dylan. Who are the artists that have influenced you?

More than anyone I'd have to say me: Jeff Steinman. I've showed myself all kinds of things. Just last night I showed me how to cut a potato. The trick is to use a small axe or knife, or scissors might work. I never cared for Bob Dylan. But it's interesting, you know who I like? Believe it or not? Shakespeare. He was on to something. Very "British". And I'm an Anglophile so it all makes sense. 

Will there be an Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. A sequel? 

No. I'm not going to tarnish my legacy like that. 

Where do you see the future of print media?

Everything you read will be on a computer screen. And you'll be able to download entire books on to personal reading devices. 

What you're describing sounds a lot like the present day.

Exactly. Some thing never change. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my bubble bath.

Well thanks for talking to me today.

Don't mention it. Seriously don't mention it.

...Mention what?

What? Oh nothing, just reminding myself of something.

Very well. Thanks for the interview, Jeff.

Yeah...Don't mention it.

I won't.

Steppin' Out

 

You Don't See Me Complaining

An old Chinese guy in prison just can't win. If he says "thank you" it sounds like "shank you." And that's a big no-no in the slammer. 

At one time Tyrannosaurus Rex was the most feared, ferocious killing machine of all the dinosaurs. This was in the mid to late 80's. Then Jurassic Park came out and everybody got all excited about "Raptors" because of that one scene. You know the one. 

One summer I decided to work on a science project for the following school year. My thesis: What if Jurassic park really existed? To carry out my experiment I went and bought a turtle, a frog, two lizards, and placed them all on a little island in the middle of a pond not too far from my home.  They all swam away and I failed my science class that semester. 

Christmas use to be about family, giving, and spreading holiday cheer. Now it's all about hurting the bad guys with crazier and crazier traps and follies, and running around New York City without parental supervision. Wait, I'm thinking of Home Alone 2. 

I wish Donnie Brosco kept up his mafia guy act just a little longer. That way Al Pacino would really freak when he finds out the truth: Donnie is an FBI agent. Your whole world just crumpled, my friend. Fahgettaboutit. That's what I'd say if I were in the scene with them. Then Pacino would really blow his top. 

Ice cream gives me a headache, a stomach ache, and a toothache. But you don't see ME complaining!

- Chucky Berry

Chucky P. Bunson Berry is a part time lyricist for Dock Worker's Limerick Monthly

The Good Old Days ARE back!

The good old days are back! And here's the pudding-proof, motherfucker:

I woke up this morning with a ten foot boner.

D'OH!
D'OH!
D'OH!

three times a homer.

And now ladies and gentleman (drum roll please!) the moment you've all been waiting for, without further a do, please give a big warm welcome for ODIE!

Garfield would have wanted it that way.

HALL 'N' OATS
The official breakfast cereal of pop music duo, Hall and Oats.  "What do YOU put in YOUR Hall 'N' Oats?" asked Daryll Hall in the most recent commercial for Hall 'N' Oats Breakfast Cereal.

"I put in oats!" said Oats.

"I put in milks!" said Hall.

"And I put in the cheesy synthesizers!" said some other guy.

Mmmm, cheeesy synthesizers.

Road Head with Demi More

I know a guy who had a near-sex experience. What happened was, he fell off a cliff while driving, on the verge of YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

Road Head:  A one act play about doing YOU-KNOW-WHAT while driving, starring Jennifer Aniston and Sir Ashton Kutcher.

Scene 1 (In which Ashton get's a YOU-KNOW-WHAT from Demi More all while driving his friend Stifler's car off a cliff and dies.)
     

                  Ashton

Hey Demi, that's so cool what you're doing right now. I'm the luckiest guy in the woooorld!!!!........

(Falls off a cliff. Car explodes 5 times)

                  The Car

YOU IDIOT!!!!!.......

                  End.

Good Mornin' Breakfas' Bars

Seems like every Tom Dick and Hairy is hawking their own cookbook these days. Am I right? I think I'm right. As if the world needed another cookbook! Well obviously they do or else why would I present to you:

:

COOKING WITH CHUCKY BERRY: 25 RECIPES TO SPOIL YOURSELF WITH

Chapter Un

"Compliments to the chief" is what every good housewife wants to hear after a long day of slaving over  the oven. Your apron has flour all over it, your hair has flour all over it, you have two eggs over your eyes and a bacon smile. But you know what? It was all worth it just to see your happy family eat all of your food. Then they'll fall right asleep in ecstacy! So here's a great recipe to start the morning with...

Good Mornin' Breakfes' Bars

(2 cups) Milk
(1 cup) Lemonade
(1 brick) Fudge - you can get this around the corner.

Mix all that up, stick your finger in it, and out comes a tootsie roll. Drop it in a bowl and add

(1 pinch) bun loaf

Now throw in a 12 oz bag of gummy bears.

Now pour in the wine! Red wine works better than white wine because all of the redness is in the red wine.

Now you're ready to cook that shit.

Heat up a pan with 8 sticks of butter. Let it get real hot at 1,000 degrees so you'll get your mush nice and brown. Nice and hot? Good, now drop it in nice and slow.

While that's cooking, grab two eggs out of the fridge and crack them over your fucking forehead. Let the yoke drip down into your mouth while the egg white forms a glossy mask across your face. Beautiful.

Now take out the bacon bits and sprinkle them on your dog. He'll love it and he'll love himself because it will be like he's made of bacon bits. Good for the doggy self asteem.

POLENTA TIME!

Take a thing of corn. Drill a nice big hole in it. Now stuff your corn hole with a cucumber. If it doesn't fit, try lubricating it with something nice and oily like olive oil, castor oil, or bacon bits. Should be as slick as a used car salsaman.

Which reminds me: It's SALSA time!

Mix up an onion, a tomato,  and cuchi frito suace. Throw it on the floor and dance the mambo on it.
Feel good? That's the spice of life, folks. Bailar!

Ok, now everything should be done. Put on your catcher's glove and take it on home.

Bring the kids in, the husband, the neighbor, your local sheriff, all of his jailed men, your local teamster-type fat guy, and an Indian lawyer.

CHOW TIME, EVERYBODY! "Pass the salt!" "Pass the water!" "pass the bacon bits!"

Just don't pass the gas!   ; )

(You can if you must.)

Taco Hell's New Million Man

I just jazzercised in my pants. And here's why:

Taco Hell is announcing their new TV mascot and his name is Big Bad Don Cheetol the Cheese Luvin' Million Man.

He stinks. He eats garbage out 'a hat. He skateboards to and fro the dojo where he regularly karate chops the fattest of kung fools.

"He got a sock on one foot and a turtle on the other." - Ron Goof

He once dove head-first into a sewer... And came out wearing an alligator skin jacket. (and holding a rat in his mouth.) (and he was covered in raw sewage.) (with a big piece of shit on his head.) (and then a seagull flew by and took a shit on him)

The seagull winked. (then he flew into a wall and died.)

He once made a citizens arrest on the entire NYPD for what they did to Serpico.

He speaks seven languages including Chinese (mandarin), English (muffin), Spanish (fly), French (bread), Dutch (oven), German (shepherd),  and conversational Italian (bread)

He can make a baboon's ass blush.

So now that you know a little about our friend Don, why don't you take a moment to enjoy a nice tall glass of warm milk and stewed prunes, ya' lousy Freddie!

Ya' no good lousy Freddie.

A Word from Jarvis Frankenfooter

Good morning, America! My name is Jarvis Frankenfooter and I want to talk to you about a new exciting product called The Edible Condom. It's not what you think. (yes it is.)

But don't take MY word for it. Just listen to these satisfied customers:

"I ate the edible condom after." - Jason Raughly, Fresno CA

"I'm eating one right now." - George Willborough Sr., Miami FL

"Tastes like dick." - Jennifer Delgado, Patterson NJ

"Uhhh...Huh?" - Ron Goof, Dallas TX

Act now while supplies last! But wait, if you call within the next two seconds I will personally answer the phone with the receiver up my butt. Don't speak fart-talk? No problemo. Hablamos Espanoliola.


Be the envy of all your friends! Impress your extended family! 

But wait! Call within the next two seconds and receive an additional 64 edible condoms, one monkey, a medium sized bag of white chedder popcorn, a pair of 3D glasses, one blue glove, a pre-owned bart simpson doll,  and literally hundreds of blank CDs with partially written data and/or music on them.

Act now while suprise lasts.

1-900-EAT-CNDM

BETTER THAN TWITTER

Welcome to the Peoples Republic of Jellybeans! Yes, the land of a thousand flavors and counting. Grab a fun bag, walk along the rainbow road, and...UH OH! Here comes Sasquatch! Here everybody,  take these cyanide pills!

Hey everyone check this new dance move out! It's called the Funky Chair and all you gotta do is make like you're sitting in a chair and...UH OH! I just slipped on a lemon wedge and fell down on the wedding cake butt-first! It made the groom spit champagne out of his mouth and onto my face so now I'm drunk. Help, Grandma!

Welcome to Jupiter's landing! Ah yes, "Home away from Earth". At this space station spa and resort, the stars are always aligned and...UH OH! Hang on to your moon boots everyone, I'm faaaaaaartiiiiiiiinnnnnng...

(explosion) 

Burger Daniel here! Telling all you kids to stay in school! Or else you'll end up like me, an illiterate little cheeseburger man stuck inside a burger. My best friend is a fucking pickle and american cheese is my blanket. My only comfort are the buns I live betwixt. Actually...come to think of it I like living here. Forget what I said. A burger is a fine place to be! 

"beep bop, bloop blop, beep beep. do do do bleep blop." - Robot 

- Chucky Berry