Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Winter Movie Reviews, by Sid

Black Swan

In Darren Aranofsky's latest Bunbuster, not a single character recites the famous words, "Ass to ass!" Disappointing, I know, but times change like my soiled undergarments. (Once a year.) Black Swan (2010) was about a couple of shitty girls dancing around like a couple a pussy-boys. I won't go so far as to call Natalie Portman the C-word, but I will say, on record, that she is a kunt.

Rating: Two thumbs up my ass.

Little Fockers

In this splendid threequal, Robert Deniro puts on an Oscar-Meyer-Weiner-worthy performance rivaled only by his portrayal of Alfredo Sauce in 1971's straight-to-skinemax softcore epic, Pump This Plumber, which, of course, jumpstarted his illustrious career. Deniro was back to his vintage self with his classic Italiano delivery of lines, such as "Ayyyy, datsa MY ring-a-pop!" and "Dibba dibba dibba dibba!" 

Ben Stiller was typically hilarious in a "Who the fuck farted?" kind of way that had me unfathomably hysterical and angry. I had only problem with this film and it might not have been noticeable to you lay-people who don't have experience in the film industry. So please forgive me if this spoils some of Hollywood's "movie magic," but those little kid actors kept staring at me through the screen and they were VERY evil.

Rating: A thumb in the bun is worth two in the stool!

True Grit

While I appreciate what the legendary Coen Brothers were going for in their action-packed remake of Brokeback Mountain, the piece-of-shit storyline was a thinly veiled allegory for the time that my dog made a mockery of me in front of my friends at my 7th birthday party.  Even so, this film had me literally on the edge of my seat, standing on my tippy-toes, threatening to jump on my fellow movie-goers, butt first.

Rating: Two sideways thumbs going in a circle.

Sid is a part time contributing editor to