A Nonchalant Little Miss Muffit Man, by Drunk Dan

This is Drunk Dan with a public service announcement. FREE DRUNK DAN!
The coppers nabbed the Dan this afternoon while I was chasing an enemy chipmunk through the park. Little piece of Alvin shit stole my last walnut. I know what yer saying. You're saying, "Drunk Dan, now what the hell are you doing running around the park chasing chipmunks and sparrows and the like in the middle of the afternoon? Don't you have a J-O-B?" Well fella, just so happens my J-O-B stands for Jogging Over Bushes. so, uh, yeah.

That's my problem with the millionaire crowd. They think just cuz you're not pulling in fat stacks of greenbacks that you're automatically a menace 2 society. They'll look at someone like Drunk Dan and roll their eyes way back into their top hats. They don't see Drunk Dan the classic rock guitarist, the generous sexual partner, the Schenectady Little Bowlers Champion of 1982, or the proud veteran. That's right, I fought in the War On Drugs for 14 long, harrowing, hazy, fun years.

But I don't do drugs any more. Matter of fact, I don't even smoke them. I just drink my beers and try to feel as good as possible with as little regrets as someone like me can make.

And when I get out of county lockup this weekend you're all gonna see someone a little taller, a little slimmer, and a little braver, because that's what the cocaine in county jail does to you. So I'm told. And who knows, maybe I'll find that little chipmunk digging out my walnut from beside a clover patch in the park. Only this time, instead of stripping naked and running while knocking people's sodas out their hands, I'll just waltz on over like a nonchalant little miss muffit man and say, "Excuse me, pal. But I believe you have something that belongs to me." And like a gentleman I'll tip my hat, and quickly show him my gun.

Who the fuck knows, ya know?

- Drunk Dan