When I was 13 years old I took a family oath to remain a virgin until marriage. I believed, and still do, that to be a good moral person you must be free from impurity. So for Christmas "Santa" ; ) gave me a 24K gold Promise Ring. The ring had a little engraving in it with my initial C in the middle of a pair of underwear surrounded by barbed wire.
When I turned 17 I decided to marry my junior high school sweetheart, Rosanne, rendering the Promise Ring pointless. So the day of the wedding I went downtown to the pawn shop and exchanged my ring for $600. Thing is, that night at the hotel Rosanne ran away with the vending machine attendant before we had a chance to officially "consumate" the marriage.
So THAT is why I'm still a virgin, and THAT is why I don't have my promise ring on me. Now, where were we? Oh yes... I was about to pour you some champaign... And care for a chocolate covered strawberry? We look tense. Let's give each other a massage...
Whoops. I dropped the chocolate covered strawberry down my shirt!
- Clement Ein