Drunk Dan here.
If I may, I gotta few things on my chest that I'd like to get off.
1. Why do bars close so early? They don't call me Drunk Dan for nothing. They call me Drunk Dan for something: Because I like to get drunk. In public. And also I look like a Dan.
2. Why is it that every time I want a brew from the convenience store, they card me like I'm some Alfred E. Neuman little rascals junior high school gang banger sonofabitch? I'm a grown ass adult man and it is my god given 2nd amendment right to drink whatever, whenever, with whoever, and with whatever kind of outfit on I fuckin feel like. Last time I checked this was America: Land of the FREE home of the BRAVES.
3. Does anyone here know the recipe for "real" Absinthe? I tried to make a home batch but I think I added too much of something and the pot got all green goblin on me and glowed like Ecto Cooler under a black light at that pivotal moment in your coming of age when you're in your best friend's parent's basement and he's hosting some kind of cyber homo futuristic dance party and you're just sitting there suckin' on a Hi-C till the box crushes in on itself. It's fuckin' done, man.
4. People need to tip their bartenders. Even when I run out of money I make sure to give my bartender a good tip. I'll say "An apple a day keeps the doctor at bay" or, "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is pure gold, my friend." They might not hear every word over the loud music, but they'll get the basic gist, so long as you speak carefully with wild over the top facial expressions.