1. I was kicked off the basketball team in the middle of a game for throwing the ball at myself because my friend's dog thought it was funny. I'm pretty sure he was there and that he thought it was funny.
2. I can't take tests. I fell asleep during the SAT's and when the proctor woke me up, in a half sleep, I yelled out, "Mommy! Where's my Mighty Morphins!?". When I realized what I had just said I tried to cover up the embarrassing outburst by subtly changing it to something cooler, "Tommy! Where's my mighty muffins? It's lunch time, bro!" Turns out the proctor's name wasn't Tommy. It was Richard.
3. My girlfriend in college dumped me for our astronomy professor. One day in class I raised my hand. He said, "Yes, question?" and I said, "Yes. A question, my good man. I challenge you to a duel after class..." Everyone laughed like it was a joke. Everyone EXCEPT my ex. And THAT was exactly what I was going for. "do you have a question?", the professor asked me again, to which I replied, "Yes...yes I do." And left it at that.
4. In junior high I was bullied by a classmate, Mike Romero. He farted in my backpack and punched me in the face.
5. I hate the smell of school. It's a mixture of custodial cleaning fluid, chalk dust, and garlic which I wear around my neck in case one of the goth kids tries to make me into a vampire. I know they're not actually vampires but they play along.
and that is why I will never go back to school.