Summer of '73

In the summer of 1973 the Schenectady Police Force faced their biggest pickle yet. A mysterious fiend began a terrorizing campaign against the city at large. "The Menace" was his nom de plume. Tre noir. Tre magnifique.

On the morning of June 13th  a full page ad appeared in the local Daily Newsie. It was an open letter addressed to the Chief of Police, Chief Cherokee Wrangler.

"Dear Chief Wrangler,
This letter is to inform you that I am going to chop everybody's balls off by SUNDOWN.
take care,
The Menace"

Wrangler certainly had a big wet pickle on his hands. The town was scared Christmas-less. At high noon he gave a press conference at city hall in front of a panicked audience. But the stage had been set for him.The Menace had somehow distributed fortune cookies across the downtown area with the message:

"Dear Chief Wrangler,
On second thought, I changed my mind. I will not chop everyone's balls off. Instead I will chop off YOUR BALLS. Plus everybody's dick. INCLUDING YOURS!
Take care,
The Menace"

It was at this moment when Chief Cherokee Wrangler gave his famous "Leads" speech as the rain fell hard on the humdrum town.

"We got to get this guy. Any leads?"

It certainly looked as though the good citizens of Schenectady were in a heap of pickles and meatballs and there was nothing the authorities could do.

Enter Dr. Herman J Kraft.

On the morning of June 21st 1973, as Chief Wrangler sat at his desk eating his curds and whey, a tall, gaunt, white-haired man knocked on the door. He wore a white lab coat over a tweed one-piece. On his pink face sat a pair of circular glasses round as the bottom of Coke bottles. His mustache was bristly like a broom that had been sweeping up salt and pepper, and such was an accurate description of it's color. This is what Chief Wrangler was thinking when the man walked in and introduced himself  as Dr. Herman J. Kraft, Professor of Psychology and Polylogics. "I did this last night" the Professor explained, as he pulled out a long document from the back of his pants. "It's for you."

           THE MENACE: A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE, by Dr. Herman J Kraft.

          The subject is most likely a white male between the age of 13 and 113. He is a native of the area having grown up nearby and attended the local high school. He is somewhere between 100 and 600 lbs. He is single and "ready to mingle." He most likely enjoys the smooth taste of KING BUDDY beer when he gets home from a long day of fly fishin' n' crawdaddy diggin'.  He dyes his sideburns bright red. He reads 10 books a day. He is constantly constipated each week until Diarrhea Sunday.  He speaks 9 languages including English, German, French, Gailic, Garlic, Apache, Transylvanian, Pygmie, Robot, and French Cruller. He sings in a strong tenor that combines the smart folkiness of CSNY with the gospel infused funk-pop of Bobby Womack. He is a sophisticated keeper-upper with the times who frequently eats microwavable TV dinners and dresses in the finest of polyester garments. He gets over, Jack. And that ain't no jive! He lives in an apartment complex, or possibly a teepee or treehouse or enormous stone castle. His weapons of choice are the hand grenade, the poison dart, and the ninja star, not to mention nuclear missiles should he he get a chance to futz around with one.  He wears a chocolate gold medallion around his neck. He uses gummy bears as ear plugs. In all likelihood, he is a white belt in karate and shows a lot of promise according to Sensai Andy. He smokes reefer. His friend is a beaver named Mushroom Man.
He must be stopped.

As Chief Wrangler read on, moving his lips along with the words, voicing out the sounds of the words with his mouth,  Dr. Kraft walked to the corner of the room and took a shit (in his pants.)

"Pardon me Cheif, where's the restroom?"

But there would be no rest for this unlikely duo who would later be known as "the pair that held up."

To Be Continued...

Afterlog

In the next installment, entitled The Pair That Held Up, we see how life can often resemble a gift box of chocolate candies. I've always thought so. How about you, mom?

I'm going to get a tattoo of a buffoon!

Trust me, I'm new to this.

You can believe in me. I'm an expert in leadership. Now please, lead the way...

I know what you're thinking: This guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Am I right? Well then. I guess I knew what i was talking about all along.

One time I drank a gallon of prune juice. Needless to say....
....the Hudson river will never be the same again.

People like that make me sick! Needless to say....
....They're poisoning my food.

Andy Warhol was a dumbass.

Why do people always ask me 4 shit when my T-shirt clearly states not to?

I'm going to get a tattoo of a buffoon!

Plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of dead bodies too.

"Well boys. I say we saddle up the horses and eat this corn." - From the great American Novel,
Underwater Munchkin Man Cowboy Riding a Seahorse, Eating Baby Corn.

"Say hello to my little friend...Now behold! I intend to shoot you with my firearm!" - Original scene from Scarface.

Check please! Is the funniest joke.

"People always ask me. What's it like to be Drunk Dan? Well buddy, it's like anything else. Practice makes perfect." - Drunk Dan



- CB '11

What They Say

They say an elephant is the smartest animal. And humans are the second smartest. Then comes turtles. Then comes puppies. Kindergartners say this, but don't believe them.

-CB

How 2 Party

If you can't have your cake and eat it too, then take somebody else's cake.

Then everybody will point to you and say, "That guy? Oh he takes the cake!"

And if there are any newcomers to the party then they will be impressed and see you as their Party Chieftain.

If the neighbors are being bitches and the police show up, just act like you're their commander and tell them there's work to be done downtown, boys. The Masked Marauder is at it again and this time he's got a car.

They'll probably listen to you and get moving.

Now it's time to get wild: DRINGING GAMES!

Game rules:
Think of a number between one and ten. Now tell everyone to guess what number you're thinking of. Now you guess who you think got the closest, and go pour beer all over their head.

later on at the height of the party, when everyone is having a great time, walk out the door and never speak to those people ever again. Chances are you won't have to, unless you work at the high school they attend.

And that's how 2 party.

- Chucky P. Bunson Berry

This just in from Egypt...

Don't Tell Mom The Baby Sitter Farted, starring Lisa Kudrow and Ed McMahon, VS. Lionel Richie.

This just in from the Egypt: King Tut farted.

Welcome home, son. While you were away we decided to turn your room into a TV room. The TV now lives where you once lived. Don't go in there now, he's sleeping. We're going to order in pizza for dinner. TV likes mushrooms. Do you like mushrooms?

My authoritarian friend told me to do it.

Kiss the wind upon a horse who swims through cloud puffs. Now eat shit.

Go on. It won't hurt you. (hehe hehe he he he hehehe I'm the devil.)

 Spank your banker till she gives all the moneys!

You want my professional advice? OK here it is: I don't give a shit.
- That's not advice.

I am your long lost pen pal. My name is Pen Pal.

Yo man, is it cool if I bring my Pay Pal to the party? His name is Josh.

Chucky Berry is the CEO of PipiLeaks.

Album Review: The Wall

The Wall is an album by Pink Floyd, circa 1979. It is about:
1) Alienation from society
2) Fascism
3) The individual as tragic figure, victim of oppression, repression, and societal tyranny.
4) CORN DOGUES
$) KORN DOGUES
5) KONG DONGZ

Chillllllllllllllllll my homesie. Every building here is built A.D.18XX Lincoln Continental demanded RESPEK because he had those high cherokeecheek bones just like JE$UZ, BABY.

Now where was I? Ah yes, Pink Floyd: The Wall: The Album Review.

Killer bass on that cut, maaaan. Roger Waters really came into his own by that point. But my favorite part of the album is the skit on disc 3 with Ghost Face Killah, yo! MTV raps. $hit is pure Frodo, son.

                                         Pure Frodo.

Kicked Off My High Horse

Have you ever been kicked off your high horse? I have.

Do you know how?

If you have any information leading to the arrest of the person who kicked me off my high horse you are to report immediately to the nearest post office and tell them you want to write a letter to the Chief of Police. If you are met with any obstacle it is your constitutional right, nay, DUTY to perform a citizens arrest on anyone in your way. Be it man, mammal, or inanimate object.

Now where was I? Oh yes: I bet you don't even know what a "high horse" even is. Well, Mr. Literal, it's not just a really tall horse. The proverbial "high horse" is in fact a metaphor. It means "Stupid" or "ugly", or the opposite of that. Pretty sure.

Well then. What's it gong to be? Gonna spill the beans right now nice and easy or are me and my partner here going to have to spill your beans for you? Prod you so hard all night long that you're gonna spill all your beans everywhere, my partner and I will.

We have video surveillance of you kicking me off of my high horse during yesterday's breakfast.

Is there something you want to say?

- Chucky Berry

Chucky P. Berry is a part time crime solver and writer for chuckyberryblog.blogspot.com

LIVE FROM NEW YORK: IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Where's your favorite place to go wee wee?

1. In bed

2. Doctor's office

3. FAO Schwartz

4. bathtub

All of the above are perfectly legitimate answers. Only you can answer for yourself. Unless you get some kind of "answering machine system" in which case the robot does it all!

The Robot Does It All!

An off-broadway musical about life, luxury, what would happen to Richie Rich in his 30's, and the rise of Nazi-ism in Post Apocalyptic Hollywood. 

Pull your pants down beyond what's traditional.

Ladies and Gentlemen... DRUNK DAN!

"Hello Schenectady! I'm Drunk Dan. So what. Okay so everyone wants to know about...wait what the hell am I talking about again?"

Winter Movie Reviews, by Sid

Black Swan

In Darren Aranofsky's latest Bunbuster, not a single character recites the famous words, "Ass to ass!" Disappointing, I know, but times change like my soiled undergarments. (Once a year.) Black Swan (2010) was about a couple of shitty girls dancing around like a couple a pussy-boys. I won't go so far as to call Natalie Portman the C-word, but I will say, on record, that she is a kunt.

Rating: Two thumbs up my ass.

Little Fockers

In this splendid threequal, Robert Deniro puts on an Oscar-Meyer-Weiner-worthy performance rivaled only by his portrayal of Alfredo Sauce in 1971's straight-to-skinemax softcore epic, Pump This Plumber, which, of course, jumpstarted his illustrious career. Deniro was back to his vintage self with his classic Italiano delivery of lines, such as "Ayyyy, datsa MY ring-a-pop!" and "Dibba dibba dibba dibba!" 
Ben Stiller was typically hilarious in a "Who the fuck farted?" kind of way that had me unfathomably hysterical and angry. I had only problem with this film and it might not have been noticeable to you lay-people who don't have experience in the film industry. So please forgive me if this spoils some of Hollywood's "movie magic," but those little kid actors kept staring at me through the screen and they were VERY evil.

Rating: A thumb in the bun is worth two in the stool!

True Grit

While I appreciate what the legendary Coen Brothers were going for in their action-packed remake of Brokeback Mountain, the piece-of-shit storyline was a thinly veiled allegory for the time that my dog made a mockery of me in front of my friends at my 7th birthday party.  Even so, this film had me literally on the edge of my seat, standing on my tippy-toes, threatening to jump on my fellow movie-goers, butt first.

Rating: Two sideways thumbs going in a circle.


Sid is a part time contributing editor to Chuckyberryblog.blogspot.com

Governence

Forrest Gump for President.

The Danish King was said to have ruled with a sword in one hand, and a Danish in the other.

America runs on Duncan.

When the Queen dies her son will become Queen. And he shall rule England from the top part to the lower bit, "And Ev'rything in betwixed!"

Contrary to popular belief, Class President is not a popularity contest. It's a real life position in government. And as Class President and Commander in Chief of this High School, I'm committing 20,000 of our troops to be deployed to Mars as of 2pm today. I'll be taking questions now...

In order of Greatness to Leastness:

God > The Pope > Archbishop > Archibald > Archie > Jughead > Primate > Mate > Mat > Rat > Dung Beetle > Genius Centipede > A rather dull Centipede > Portobello Mushroom > A piece of wood or a fucking rock > Bacteria > Primordial one celled blob > Licorice Jelly Bean

Your Holiness the Pope, I have some unfortunate news from the archdiocese in Mars. They ran out of wafers. Should I... Send some more?

Contrary to popular belief, the peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. WRONG. It is both those things. Now get me a Lemon Spritzer before I set fire to this plastic bag and make it smell so horrible in here!

The Pope thinks we built a Catholic Church on Mars. Just go with it, OK?

I want you to know that we're considering you for the position. It's between you and one other. The other candidate we're considering is a Treasure Troll Doll. He appeared at my secretary's desk during the holidays. He has no experience in the field, and zero education. But on the other hand, You're a gingerbread man.

My apologies. I thought you were a gingerbread man.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a professional part time political analyst for chuckyberryblog.blogspot.com