URGENT

Attention all students:

Classes are canceled today due to the snow storm. The storm left 12 feet of snow on top of my head. I am the dean, in case you were wondering. I write this to you now via blackberry, from inside an igloo like cavity beneath the snow mountain by the gym. Accompanying me is a little snow fox named Camus. At least that's what he responds to.

I am afraid I won't make it past lunch time if I don't receive some form of nourishment in the next hour. This is important: The student council is to report immediately to the science lab (non- Asians are exempt). You are to purchase approximately 200 bags of Peanut M&Ms from the vending machine in the hallway. Now go to where the lab mice are and secure The Peanut M&Ms to their backs. Equip each mouse with a little vest made from Hand Warmers. Release them atop the mountain! I'll send out a mouse bating tone on my black berry; frequency set to "Cheese".

Now, while the soldier mice bury their way to me, you are to construct a little flame thrower to be given to the King Mouse. I believe this can be done using a cigarette lighter and a Silly Band bracelet. If you need help call Professor Vinadaloo at his home number (555)- 555-5555. Tell him I've done it again.

Excelsior! 

- The Dean

Things to say at Christmas Dinner

I ate my dinner and now I demand dessert. Midnight snack is next and then breakfast. (Then comes lunch!)

Everyone be quite while my nephew recites his diatribe.

Do you have what it takes to meet Simon?

Unimaginable, my dear duckling.

I believe that you didn't commit the crime, but my partner here doesn't. So let's start again from the beginning. Did you put the fry up Ronald's butt?

I'm the sheriff of McDonald land. Its ironic, but Hamburgler keeps me in business.

PREPARE TO BE EVACUATED.

Chinese dwarf buns.

Who died and put you, Charles, in charge?

Meet me out back by the septic tank.

Chinese dwarf buns. $6.99 come with free soda.

Do you accept...plastic?

Let's all relax and take a minute to think about the old folky days when Apple Pie drove his tractor from farm to shining farm.

Being the Sheriff of McDonald Land? It's like anything else. You try not to take the job home with you. The Happy Meal Gang is our biggest problem right now. They're in dispute with the Fry Guys. A lot of violence lately. Ketchup everywhere.

Thank you Dean Silverman for that lovely introduction. Now, who here remembers the 60's?! If you remember then you weren't there, babe! Yeah! I TIME TRAVELED HERE!!!... Was I not suppose to say that?

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/eFO9lv_T6EA/0.jpg

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from All of Us Here at Chucky Berry Blog!

- Chucky Berry

Ireland!

Ireland.

Where the happy leprauchans sing:

"Rrow rrow rrow yer boat, gently down the strream. Melody melody melody melody life is but a sham"

Ireland.

Where a black man can do his thing.

Ireland.

Pizza hut there? I'm on my way...

Ireland.

Green goblin of the western shore.

Ireland.

No English need apply!

Ireland.

Pot o' gold under every happy cat. Give him a wafer and he'll take a nap. Give him a spank and he'll reveal his sack!

Ireland.

The pope's little doggy.

Ireland.

Everybody freeze! This is an HBO documentary.

Ireland.

Jimmy Cagney, see. The coppers are on my trail but don't look back. Like Dillon in the movies, see.

Ireland.

Fat Chance Charley once traded me a nickel for a slice of wet bread on the Bowery. What a dumb Kraut!

Ireland.

Pour Whiskey on me head, laddy! Don't be stingy. Go head now... Ah! Tis a a fine tradition.

Ireland.

A wild rover found a four leaf clover, he diddled his daddle by his Rosie's saddle and Seamus saw the whole thing from under the wheel barrow.

Ireland.

Hey Vinnie, 'dey got pizza ova' there in Ireland?

How Should I knows? Fawgettaboutit. Eat ya' pizza.

Ireland.

May all her sons fight on behalf of The English. Welcome to Conn-ect-tic-cut, white man!

Ireland.

Green Emeralds in the English Crown: George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Morrissey, Johnny Rotten, Elvis Costello, Eddie Murphy.

Ireland.

Mr. Potato head man for prime minister.

Ireland.

Yeats is my butler.

Ireland.

Northern Ireland!

Ireland.

My blood runs as green as Hi-C Ecto Cooler and just as sweet, me deary.

Ireland.

The Tricolor flag: Green is for cash money, White is for Boston, and Orange is the colour of me Rosie's' orange hat.

Ireland.

Hey Vinnie, 'dey got Druids ova' there in Ireland?

What? Fawgettaboutit. Da Druids was elsewhere. Eat ya pizza.

Ireland.

Rolling hills, friendly people, rainbows galore, a vacation to remember.

Special Offer

The choice is yours. You can go with this, or you can go with the other option. But before you make your decision, let me just say this: I'm willing to give you a two for one deal. That's right. Act now and receive two for the price of one. How does that sound, yeah? So do we have a deal? Great. Here are your TWO gorilla balls. With tax that comes to $5 please.

This is Chucky Berry and I'm here today to tell you about an exciting new product straight from the Jungle. For centuries the Chinese people of Africa have used gorilla balls in their secret medicines as a cure for everything from headache to leather butt. I wear them around my neck to attract friends. And I know you will too!

Confused? Ha ha, that's OKAY. The versatile uses for gorilla balls are virtually endless. With me today to help explain the science behind the magic of gorilla balls is real scientist Jonathan Pepper MD. Now, Dr. Pepper can you explain to our folks at home what gorilla balls are and the mystical mysterious ways in which they work?

Hello, I'm Dr. Pepper, not to be confused with Dr. Pepper the soda. Ha ha. No, I'm Dr. Pepper the soda. I mean scientist.

Uh............

- Chucky Berry

Artist Profile: The Bear Riders, By Chucky Berry

Drunk Dan invited me to a recording studio this weekend down on Main Street where he and drummer Buttfro the Clown are mixing their debut album as the Bear Riders, titled "We Can't Get Enough of This $hit!"

I'm sitting by the console in the mixing room on a long couch, facing the back of a fella named Carl. Carl is the owner of the studio and its chief engineer. He sits at the mixing board under the blinking eyes of various electronic "outboard equipment" stacked around him. He has a ponytail and he's wearing sunglasses and he smells like maple syrup (but in a bad way).

A song comes on through the big speakers that hang from the ceiling. "This one's our ballad. Kind of a Sammy Davis Jr. thing" Drunk Dan says between gulps of Schaefer beer. He mouths along with the lyrics:

"Smoke 'em of you got em. And if ya hit rock bottom, don't be so cruel to your mistress, that you forget about Christmas..."

Buttfro the Clown sits in a swivel chair, head turned down nodding to the beat. He momentarily lifts his face with a grin each time one of his drum fills is relayed through the big system. He congratulates himself in whispers; "bingo." "right on the button." "nailed it." "king buttfro."

But the mood in the room is tense and austere like a courtroom trial. And in this court Carl reigns supreme.

Drunk Dan sheepishly tosses his requests to the back of Carl's head in the form of rhetorical questions. "Say Carl, what if we throw in just a little more reverb, or possibly echo, on that background vocal?"

"If it wants it." Carl says expressionlessly.

I ask Drunk Dan what that means. But he looks at me and shrugs his shoulders. "Uh...If who, wants what?" I ask out loud.

Carl swivels his chair around to face me and deadpans "Uh, the song? And uh, the time based digital delay effect?"

It was then that Drunk Dan, in true fashion, threw his can of Schaefer beer at Carl's head. The nearly full can bounced off Carl's noggin and catapulted a fresh stream of foamy brew above. The can bounced onto the mixing board, erupting like a volcano on the little city of knobs, switches, and blinking lights.

I could go on with the rest of the story but that's basically the highlight. Drunk Dan threw a beer can at the guy's head!

The Bear Riders are currently looking to mix "We Can't Get Enough of This $hit!" in Schenectady NY.

Chucky Berry is a part time contributing music journalist to Chuckyberryblog.blogspot.com

Columbo yanked my chain!

Columbo yanked my chain! Columbo yanked my chain!

kr8 tha past OR head first.

ronald reagan is thought to be the great arbiter, negotioator, and father of moderate hconservatism in modern american history. One might go so far as to say that he, being a personality of hollywood, embodied the mass media ass clown way back in '83 or whatever the hell fucked up year you were born.

Fact is, around 1979, any trace of a cherry tree from 177? was replaced by a Ronald Reagan Happy Potato meal Plastic Rubber fuck toy alla George Bush 1's CIA fagggot bitch Charles Crack 2 society menthol.

Who is the baddest bruva on the block? NIGZON! ThAt's WhO!

E.M.F.

"Is that an Irish brogue I detect, Mr. Sanchez?" "No. I'm Puerto Rican." "Of course. Right this way..."

Life is like a box of chocolates: Aww, nuts!

eat my filth

Who's in charge here? No one? Ok fine now I'm in charge. Everybody's fired! You, with the sweater, you're not fired. Get me a scotch on the rocks. Now I just gotta shuffle these papers...I NEED A VACATION!

- C.B.

Chicken Allah King

I invented white chedder popcorn

Meet Chauncey, my chauffeur/ghoul

"Punish the criminal with whip cream atop his head and sprinkles atop that!" - Charles the Warden

Meet Mr. Moffit, my personal assistant, and this is his personal assistant, Mini Mr. Moffit. And over here we have Mini Mr. Moffit's secretary, Little Miss Mini Mr. Moffit. And who do we have here? Ah yes, Little MissMini Mr. Muffin Jr. Okay now that we're all acquainted let's get started shall we?

Chicken Allah King

Where were we? Ah yes, you were saying something about the typical size of a Cheetah's dick, and I was saying that I thought all Cheetahs are female, and then you poured oatmeal on my head and stole my walkie talkie, so I threw your tape recorder out the window and it landed in the pool. Later that summer we listened back to the tape and it sounded quite strange.

Monkey see, monkey doo doo.

Chucky Berry

Promise Ring, by Clement Ein

When I was 13 years old I took a family oath to remain a virgin until marriage. I believed, and still do, that to be a good moral person you must be free from impurity. So for Christmas "Santa" ; ) gave me a 24K gold Promise Ring. The ring had a little engraving in it with my initial C in the middle of a pair of underwear surrounded by barbed wire.

When I turned 17 I decided to marry my junior high school sweetheart, Rosanne, rendering the Promise Ring pointless. So the day of the wedding I went downtown to the pawn shop and exchanged my ring for $600. Thing is, that night at the hotel Rosanne ran away with the vending machine attendant before we had a chance to officially "consumate" the marriage.

So THAT is why I'm still a virgin, and THAT is why I don't have my promise ring on me. Now, where were we? Oh yes... I was about to pour you some champaign... And care for a chocolate covered strawberry? We look tense. Let's give each other a massage...

Whoops. I dropped the chocolate covered strawberry down my shirt!

- Clement Ein