I Want What's Coming To Me, by Chucky Berry

A man I know has a strange way of talking. Every time he says "Hello, my name is..." he prefaces it with, "Oh this oughta be a big ol' bunch of bullshit..."

That man is me.

What man is you?

Kids Say the Stupidest Fucking Things, starring Bill Crosby.

Butterscotch is made with real butterscotch whiskey, so I've been told by my bigger friend.

Americans need to pick themselves up by the booty strap on dildo and get paid!

King Arthur took a shit on a rock and called it Eggs Callibur. Stuck a feather up his butt and "that's the macaroni!"

Farewell old chimp. I'll miss your dung fling, your trail of peanut shells, and your cigar smoking the most. Also your terrible stench and business-casual fashion sense.

My favorite song has to be Blowin' in the Wind, by Bob Dylan. The reason it's my favorite song is because I wrote it. I'm Bob Dylan. That's what Bob Dylan probably says.

May I have your attention please? Please stop dancing and make some room for Lenny "the Cha Cha king" Rothberg! Here he comes, ladies... any minute now... Len's been eating potato latkes backstage all night so bare with him. Only kidding... Lenny the Cha Cha king Rothberg... Are we ready? Yes? Okay I'm being told there are some technical difficulties...

In CONCLUSION,

A man's weight is worth his payment in gold. For instance, Let's say I weighed 520 lbs., well then give me $520 please. And let's say I went on the atikins diet and now weighed 98 lbs., well give me $98. See how this works?  Don't be cheap. Pay up.

I want what's coming to me.

- Chucky Berry

What is a Hero

What is a Hero

A hero is someone who is a sandwich. They are long and cut down the middle, usually with lettuce and tomato. Mayonnaise is always an option. There are different kinds of heroes. A super hero saves the day! An everyday hero will save you money.

But don't expect a hero to do the impossible. In this world we live in, it is inevitable that evil doers will find a way to control, exploit, and destroy. Villains have existed since the dawn of civilization, and have continuously managed to corrupt people's pursuit of happiness. Don't expect a sandwich to help. If it does, then fine, but it would be unreasonable to assume a hero could do anything to stop crime or save the world. You can't count on a hero to be there for you whenever you're in need. Heroes don't just appear out of thin air like they do in the movies.

And that is why my personal hero is ham and cheese with lettuce and tomato, hold the lettuce. The kind that I imagine Super Man eats.

Who's your hero?

Mine is what I said it was .

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry on Philosophy, Faith, and the Meaning of Success

When a fish needs to use the bathroom does he say, "Excuse me, I need to take a shit right here in the ocean"? Of course not. He just goes. And that's why I do what I do.

I believe it was Nike, the Greek Goddess of fertility (not the sneaker!) who said, "Just do it."

People need to get out of their little cubicles, step out the office, put down their Smart Phones, and embrace the Sun god of Ancient Egypt, Ra. Now kneel and place your palms on the ground. Repeat the following:

"Ra, oh supreme being of the world. I worship thee and would gladly offer my organs in sacrifice. To be scorned blind by your rays would certainly make my day. All that is beautiful in this world is so because of your graciousness and talent for shining a big light on everything. Please except this $20 as a token of my absolute faith and servitude. Love, Pat J. Smith (or whatever your name is)"

Leave the money on the ground. Don't pick it up. Just walk away.

Just do it.

-Chucky Berry

Hello

My fucking head is pure jello. Instead of skin, I have pudding skin. Instead of eyes I have two Jawbreakers and instead of teeth I have candy corn teeth.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

So, when can I meet you?

What a Crazy Cat! By Chucky Berry

I heard a bird chirping outside my window this morning. He was brilliant! His song sounded like the graduation song. I peered out the window, trying not to make any calamitous noise, so I could study this fine fellow. There he was perched on the wooden fence outside my window. I know it sounds a bit anthropomorphic but he looked at me with an ancient curiosity, something that has surely existed between Us and Them since the dawn of mamalia as we know it. We stared at each other, he and I, for a long while. Then he winked and farted at the same time. It would have been funny, except he failed to anticipate the following: 3 seconds after he farted, he took an explosive shit. Most of it got on Figaro, the neighbor's cat. Figaro, eyes covered in a swirl of white and green bird shit stood up on his two back legs and pawed at the air as if fighting some ferocious enemy. "Why!?"He cried out. The bird flapped his wings and was gone. The cat, momentarily blinded, walked straight into a steaming pile of horse shit. Realizing the absurdity of the situation, Figaro slunked down where he stood and uttered the following: "If there is a God, I am His humble servant. For He and He only knowith the strange and often cruel orders the world doth bestowe upon us all."

"Fuck you!" I yelled out. It was sure as hell funny at the time, but looking back on it, I should have helped a friend when he was down. After all, Figaro has been there for me in the past. I fell asleep for a week one time and he took my children to school.

-

Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry on Relationships

Are we alone in the world? No! We have each other. Are we destined for greatness? It depends on your definition of "Greatness". I'm pretty sure I heard "Grapeness" so sure, have all the grapes you want.

my wife walks into a bar and says, "bartenda! Give me a glass of grape juice." "But lady, all we got is wines and spirits" says the bartender. So she goes, "Okay, give me a glass of red wine, and a shot of whiskey on the rocks." "coming right up m'am" he says. The bartender, befuddled, asks "how do you go from grape juice to wine and whiskey?" so she replies, "Easy. The grape juice spilled down my goddamn face and now I'm drinking whatever else you got. Now hit me with a double shot of jack, ya jackass!"

Women.

-Chucky Berry

Hello I am Rex

Thank you, Carlton, for that piece of shit blog post. Now for WHAT I GOT TO SAY...

Have you ever been waiting for the bus when all of a sudden you see a mouse roll down the street in a roller blade? Of course not. Because this is no kids movie. This is real life. So then why did I see it??

- Little Rex

Cheston on Cheston

Hi I'm Cheston. you probably know me from the hit television show, Particles, the sci-fi teen drama about typical high school kids living in a martian space colony. It's not easy being a famous teen heart throb and I'll tell you why...Oh hold on a sec I just got a sext on my Pink Berry...

...OK now where was I? Oh yeah so then I was like, "Dude, back up, she's with me."

Catch Particles every week on NBC-Span at 8. This week's special musical guest: Cheston

Sex Talk, by Cousin Clem

Well I'll be damned to Van Diemen's Island. I just got a look at the prettiest little thing on ten toes walk right past me here in the library. Her name is Jen and she's the librarian. She told me to keep it down because I talk what I type out loud. So now I'm whispering like a mischievous little mexican-indian but I can hardly contain myself because Jen is a true beauty the likes of which this Kentucky fried fool done nuther seen. But what really rusts my buckles is the sweat smell of perfume she's wearing. Smells like Angel dew atop a mound of fresh cut grass. Now add a pinch of cilantro. So I ask her, "Excuse me, miss, but do you have the time?" She says, "It's a quarter of six, the library's closing in a few minutes, sir." I say, "That's quite OK darlin' I'll just kick back here at this computer desk on account it's my siesta time. I'll let myself out the window..." "Sir" she says, "You can't stay here. You'll have to leave when we close in five minutes". Well I look her up and down like a chunky monkey on a banana ladder and I say in a real low bottom tone, real slowly and seductive like, "Call me Clem." Now I can't swear to it, but I'm pretty sure at that moment I saw her boob parts jiggle.

And that's how you know.

Oh yeah, I also I had my "lucky" key chain on me ; )

- Clem

King of Pop, by Cousin Clem

Now see here! Many regard Michael Jackson as the King of Pop. May he rest in peace! But I don't think he's all that cracked up to be like that, see. Why, just the other hot dog (that's Kentucky talk for "Just the other day", mind you) just the other hot dog, I was pulling up to Cumberland farms gas station right there on route sixty McFour odd somethin' or other 'bout to load up the ol' she-wagon with a full tank o' mother nature juice, when I notice a sign that reads the following:

"3 LITER COCA COLA, 5O CENTS"

Well I ain't crappin' in your pants, that's the best damn deal this son of a moonshiner's seen since back in the old hot dog when folks use to give a damn about hard working people and their lint riddled pockets. Heck, I was thirstier than a catfish on a clothesline on account I had been licking from a salt lick for the better part of the hot dog. So now where was I oh yeah, I honk the car horn. That's so whoever's working inside, be it varment or vixen, knows I need attending to. I honk again because clearly the person in question must be talking on two cell phonesat once, simultaneously much like I've been known for. Lady comes out. Now she's wearing some sort of apron/backwards on cape kind of bib or whatever and on it I see her name, "Sandy". Let me explain Sandy to y'all. Tall, blond, with two big watermelons. Nice tits too! (that there's a joke credited to Billy Peapod Arnold great and wise man that he is) So she's staring right at me with them aqua blue turquoise sea foam green cerulean eyes of hers and I look right back at her and say, "Coca Cola." So she says, "what about it?" to which I reply, "goes mighty well with watermelons... I'm told". So she turns away to go back inside when I call out, "Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!" real alarmed like. So she turns back around looking real alarmed like. "What is it?" so I say, "I'm Clem. Nice to meet you." "Well, Clem, care to explain yourself?"

"King of pop."

- Cousin Clem