Two Ways to Use Italics

Part of me likes to relax pool side, sipping on a frozen daiquiri, listening to mellow Caribbean music and taking in the hot sun. The other part of me swallowed my bathing cap so maybe I should just go to the hospital? Can you drive me? Hopefully we can get back in time before they close the pool.  (Wouldn't count on it. Today is all about the bathing cap incident.)

And that's how you ruin a vacation.

Hands up, ya varmints! This here is a stickup. I'm Cowboy Slim and that there's my partner Jim Crook. We're robbing this here saloon and there ain't no sheriff in the country of Texas gonna stop us. So put your valuables... OUCH! I just shot my own dick off. OK listen up everybody, there's been a change of plans on account of me shooting my own dick off.  Jim Crook's gonna collect them valuables from you. Talkin' gold coins, gold nuggets, sterling silver, precious stones, gems such as rubies and emeralds, Indian turquoise, and whatever currency you're carrying. 

Meanwhile I'm gonna take a quick trip to the doctor on account of my shooting my own dick off.

Can't believe I just robbed a saloon and shot my own dick off.

Dan M. Gene-Jackette

If your name is Dan M. Gene-Jaquette then why not call yourself Denim Jean jacket? It's the same difference. Plus it's never a bad idea to match your name with your outerwear so you leave people with something memorable about you. They'll say "What was the name of that French guy who wore the denim jean jacket? ...Ooooh yeaaah!"

You see how easy it is? That's why I changed my name from Taylor Dzoot to "Tailored Suit". Because that's the kind of thing you'll see me wearing. Fine Italian Tailored Suits. With slicked back hair and designer sunglasses. My shoes cost more than you'll make all  year. 

Who knows, maybe someday you could be like me, a great white shark-man in a SeaWorld full of seals, guppies, and puffins.  

But it's doubtful. Not with a name like "Denim Jean Jacket."

Accept your fate. 

This Holiday Season

Nothing says "I care" more than a Holiday card that literally says "I care" when you open it, spoken in clear plain English. Too bad that technology is at least 2 years away. Until that glorious day when we teach paper to talk, we'll just have to settle on using Hallmark cards; in all their neo-abstract-impressionist pretentiousness. 

Also I want a talking rug, that says "ouch"! when I step on him, and a sassy talking light bulb, "How many of YOU does it take to screw ME in?" He'll entreat.

But I digress. This Holiday season try to remember what really matters: the difference between what you spent on gifts and what you think the gifts you received are worth. 

Here's hoping for a net positive. 

- Santa Clause

The Man from Kentucky

One time I was at an upstate apple orchard where I struck up a conversation with a man from Kentucky. I've never been to the "Ol' KC" so I asked him what it was like. "Well" He thought for a second. "You're taking too long" I said. That's the problem with Kentuckens, they think the world owes them something. I then brandished my 100% authentic Japanese Samurai sword I bought that week from the home shopping network. "welcome to New York" I said in a gruff voice as I did a karate twirl and cut a limb off an old apple tree beside us. The branch fell to the ground along with a couple ripe apples. "How you like them apples"? I asked rhetorically. 

By this time the impressed man from Kentucky was well on his way to the front entrance. He looked like he was in a hurry, like he was racing in the Kentucky derby. I'm guessing he was eager to tell his wife, or whoever, all about the awesome man he just met. 

I looked down at the slain apples on their deathbed of autumn leaves. A perfect still-life of golden yellows and cinnamon reds as if arranged for an Old Master painting. Then I noticed a fucking worm in one of the apples. Disgusting. I quickly looked around and saw a bird overhead. I pointed to the worm for him to eat. I waved my hands high and shouted out "worm here!". Despite my vigorous effort to grease the food chain, so to speak, the bird flew off. Maybe he saw a bigger, juicier worm in another apple over yonder. 

Just one of many stories from "the big apple". 

Part of Me

Part of me really wants a big two story house on a tree lined block in the suburbs, with a trophy wife and kids, and a couple expensive race cars in the garage. The other part of me will eat barbecue sauce packets for dinner. 

Part of me wants to be the life of the party, dress real slick like the guys in GQ magazine, and impress everyone with a careful mix of dry whit and unpretentious confidence. The other part of me wants to crawl out of a toilet, like a little extra terrestrial shit-man. "T.P. phone home! T.P. phone home!" and then I roll around the floor spitting at people. 

I use to have regrets, but I soon came to realize that regrets are for losers. You should never regret anything in life. I really wish I didn't regret stuff when I was younger. Man, how could I be so stupid?

Call me stupid...

Call me stupid, but didn't I say something smart?

Nothing in life is permanent except permanent ink, and even that remains to be seen.

Life is like a box of white chocolates: something's missing.

Call me a fucking idiot, but what country do we live in again? America? Ok yeah that rings a bell. I always get "America" and "North America" confused. Like I said, call me a fucking idiot.

Who died and made YOU king? Your father? He was the king? So you mean you're the prince? You WERE the prince, ah right. So now you're the king. Gotcha. Sorry to disturb you, your majesty. I'll let you enjoy your bath now. I was just grabbing these towels...and my tooth brush up here...Ok thanks got everything I needed....Woops almost forgot my magazine down there by the tub, thanks. Thanks so much. What kind of magazine is it? It's uh... Just something one of the other servants left around. I was... uh...inspecting it for any rude language, blasphemy  or treason against your highness. That sort of thing. Found none happy to report! Who am I?

I'm Jeff.


- Chucky Berry

A New One

Phillip Roth wrote a book about me. It's called The Turd Bungler and it's about a guy with a dog who can't seem to pick up the dog doo doo without (by accidentally) tossing it in my neighbor's mouth.

Phillip Roth wrote a book about my cousin, his name: Cousin 8 Ball. He's cool as Hell and warm as Heaven. One time he smacked a fool with a Kraft Single right across the butt-face.

That phool his name was Ron. You may know him as Ron Goof of Dallas TX, but who the fuck cares who you know, son? This ain't the "I know him!" game. This is real life goofy stuff on the internet. Now shutup and gimme twenty pushups. I'm the kernal!

Hoagies from Heaven starring Hulk Hero. Today's episode: "Hold the mayo"

"Hold it where"? asked the deli man. I guess that was his idea of a joke. Well two can play at that game. "Hold it up your refrigerator's CUNT." I said.

AND THAT is how you simultaneously take it too far, while also not making sense.

- Chucky Berry

Interview with author Jeff Steinman

Chucky Berry:

I'm sitting here with Jeff Steinman, author of Why Does God Hate Me? And Other Rhetorical Questions. 
Jeff, I like the book very much. What was the impetuous to write it?

Jeff Steinman:

Well, the night I was done writing my last book, The Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog, I drank a glass of red wine, slipped into my hot tub with a cigar, and said "Right. Now get back to work, you lazy piece of filthy shit." And then I farted but you wouldn't have noticed if you were there because the hot tub has its own bubbles. So the secret stays with me. 

So you go from one book right to another then?

I told you, I farted. So no. It took me 3 days to fart because I've been holding it in for 3 years.

...And why's that?

I was afraid of exploding. Look, when you're a creative powerhouse such as a Bob Dylan, or a Jeff Steinman, you don't always think rationally. You're a slave to the muse, and sometimes the muse kisses your tits, and sometimes she makes you kiss her's.

You mentioned Bob Dylan. Who are the artists that have influenced you?

More than anyone I'd have to say me: Jeff Steinman. I've showed myself all kinds of things. Just last night I showed me how to cut a potato. The trick is to use a small axe or knife, or scissors might work. I never cared for Bob Dylan. But it's interesting, you know who I like? Believe it or not? Shakespeare. He was on to something. Very "British". And I'm an Anglophile so it all makes sense. 

Will there be an Authorized Biography of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. A sequel? 

No. I'm not going to tarnish my legacy like that. 

Where do you see the future of print media?

Everything you read will be on a computer screen. And you'll be able to download entire books on to personal reading devices. 

What you're describing sounds a lot like the present day.

Exactly. Some thing never change. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my bubble bath.

Well thanks for talking to me today.

Don't mention it. Seriously don't mention it.

...Mention what?

What? Oh nothing, just reminding myself of something.

Very well. Thanks for the interview, Jeff.

Yeah...Don't mention it.

I won't.

Steppin' Out

 

You Don't See Me Complaining

An old Chinese guy in prison just can't win. If he says "thank you" it sounds like "shank you." And that's a big no-no in the slammer. 

At one time Tyrannosaurus Rex was the most feared, ferocious killing machine of all the dinosaurs. This was in the mid to late 80's. Then Jurassic Park came out and everybody got all excited about "Raptors" because of that one scene. You know the one. 

One summer I decided to work on a science project for the following school year. My thesis: What if Jurassic park really existed? To carry out my experiment I went and bought a turtle, a frog, two lizards, and placed them all on a little island in the middle of a pond not too far from my home.  They all swam away and I failed my science class that semester. 

Christmas use to be about family, giving, and spreading holiday cheer. Now it's all about hurting the bad guys with crazier and crazier traps and follies, and running around New York City without parental supervision. Wait, I'm thinking of Home Alone 2. 

I wish Donnie Brosco kept up his mafia guy act just a little longer. That way Al Pacino would really freak when he finds out the truth: Donnie is an FBI agent. Your whole world just crumpled, my friend. Fahgettaboutit. That's what I'd say if I were in the scene with them. Then Pacino would really blow his top. 

Ice cream gives me a headache, a stomach ache, and a toothache. But you don't see ME complaining!

- Chucky Berry

Chucky P. Bunson Berry is a part time lyricist for Dock Worker's Limerick Monthly

The Good Old Days ARE back!

The good old days are back! And here's the pudding-proof, motherfucker:

I woke up this morning with a ten foot boner.

D'OH!
D'OH!
D'OH!

three times a homer.

And now ladies and gentleman (drum roll please!) the moment you've all been waiting for, without further a do, please give a big warm welcome for ODIE!

Garfield would have wanted it that way.

HALL 'N' OATS
The official breakfast cereal of pop music duo, Hall and Oats.  "What do YOU put in YOUR Hall 'N' Oats?" asked Daryll Hall in the most recent commercial for Hall 'N' Oats Breakfast Cereal.

"I put in oats!" said Oats.

"I put in milks!" said Hall.

"And I put in the cheesy synthesizers!" said some other guy.

Mmmm, cheeesy synthesizers.

Road Head with Demi More

I know a guy who had a near-sex experience. What happened was, he fell off a cliff while driving, on the verge of YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

Road Head:  A one act play about doing YOU-KNOW-WHAT while driving, starring Jennifer Aniston and Sir Ashton Kutcher.

Scene 1 (In which Ashton get's a YOU-KNOW-WHAT from Demi More all while driving his friend Stifler's car off a cliff and dies.)
     

                  Ashton

Hey Demi, that's so cool what you're doing right now. I'm the luckiest guy in the woooorld!!!!........

(Falls off a cliff. Car explodes 5 times)

                  The Car

YOU IDIOT!!!!!.......

                  End.

Good Mornin' Breakfas' Bars

Seems like every Tom Dick and Hairy is hawking their own cookbook these days. Am I right? I think I'm right. As if the world needed another cookbook! Well obviously they do or else why would I present to you:

:

COOKING WITH CHUCKY BERRY: 25 RECIPES TO SPOIL YOURSELF WITH

Chapter Un

"Compliments to the chief" is what every good housewife wants to hear after a long day of slaving over  the oven. Your apron has flour all over it, your hair has flour all over it, you have two eggs over your eyes and a bacon smile. But you know what? It was all worth it just to see your happy family eat all of your food. Then they'll fall right asleep in ecstacy! So here's a great recipe to start the morning with...

Good Mornin' Breakfes' Bars

(2 cups) Milk
(1 cup) Lemonade
(1 brick) Fudge - you can get this around the corner.

Mix all that up, stick your finger in it, and out comes a tootsie roll. Drop it in a bowl and add

(1 pinch) bun loaf

Now throw in a 12 oz bag of gummy bears.

Now pour in the wine! Red wine works better than white wine because all of the redness is in the red wine.

Now you're ready to cook that shit.

Heat up a pan with 8 sticks of butter. Let it get real hot at 1,000 degrees so you'll get your mush nice and brown. Nice and hot? Good, now drop it in nice and slow.

While that's cooking, grab two eggs out of the fridge and crack them over your fucking forehead. Let the yoke drip down into your mouth while the egg white forms a glossy mask across your face. Beautiful.

Now take out the bacon bits and sprinkle them on your dog. He'll love it and he'll love himself because it will be like he's made of bacon bits. Good for the doggy self asteem.

POLENTA TIME!

Take a thing of corn. Drill a nice big hole in it. Now stuff your corn hole with a cucumber. If it doesn't fit, try lubricating it with something nice and oily like olive oil, castor oil, or bacon bits. Should be as slick as a used car salsaman.

Which reminds me: It's SALSA time!

Mix up an onion, a tomato,  and cuchi frito suace. Throw it on the floor and dance the mambo on it.
Feel good? That's the spice of life, folks. Bailar!

Ok, now everything should be done. Put on your catcher's glove and take it on home.

Bring the kids in, the husband, the neighbor, your local sheriff, all of his jailed men, your local teamster-type fat guy, and an Indian lawyer.

CHOW TIME, EVERYBODY! "Pass the salt!" "Pass the water!" "pass the bacon bits!"

Just don't pass the gas!   ; )

(You can if you must.)

Taco Hell's New Million Man

I just jazzercised in my pants. And here's why:

Taco Hell is announcing their new TV mascot and his name is Big Bad Don Cheetol the Cheese Luvin' Million Man.

He stinks. He eats garbage out 'a hat. He skateboards to and fro the dojo where he regularly karate chops the fattest of kung fools.

"He got a sock on one foot and a turtle on the other." - Ron Goof

He once dove head-first into a sewer... And came out wearing an alligator skin jacket. (and holding a rat in his mouth.) (and he was covered in raw sewage.) (with a big piece of shit on his head.) (and then a seagull flew by and took a shit on him)

The seagull winked. (then he flew into a wall and died.)

He once made a citizens arrest on the entire NYPD for what they did to Serpico.

He speaks seven languages including Chinese (mandarin), English (muffin), Spanish (fly), French (bread), Dutch (oven), German (shepherd),  and conversational Italian (bread)

He can make a baboon's ass blush.

So now that you know a little about our friend Don, why don't you take a moment to enjoy a nice tall glass of warm milk and stewed prunes, ya' lousy Freddie!

Ya' no good lousy Freddie.

A Word from Jarvis Frankenfooter

Good morning, America! My name is Jarvis Frankenfooter and I want to talk to you about a new exciting product called The Edible Condom. It's not what you think. (yes it is.)

But don't take MY word for it. Just listen to these satisfied customers:

"I ate the edible condom after." - Jason Raughly, Fresno CA

"I'm eating one right now." - George Willborough Sr., Miami FL

"Tastes like dick." - Jennifer Delgado, Patterson NJ

"Uhhh...Huh?" - Ron Goof, Dallas TX

Act now while supplies last! But wait, if you call within the next two seconds I will personally answer the phone with the receiver up my butt. Don't speak fart-talk? No problemo. Hablamos Espanoliola.


Be the envy of all your friends! Impress your extended family! 

But wait! Call within the next two seconds and receive an additional 64 edible condoms, one monkey, a medium sized bag of white chedder popcorn, a pair of 3D glasses, one blue glove, a pre-owned bart simpson doll,  and literally hundreds of blank CDs with partially written data and/or music on them.

Act now while suprise lasts.

1-900-EAT-CNDM

BETTER THAN TWITTER

Welcome to the Peoples Republic of Jellybeans! Yes, the land of a thousand flavors and counting. Grab a fun bag, walk along the rainbow road, and...UH OH! Here comes Sasquatch! Here everybody,  take these cyanide pills!

Hey everyone check this new dance move out! It's called the Funky Chair and all you gotta do is make like you're sitting in a chair and...UH OH! I just slipped on a lemon wedge and fell down on the wedding cake butt-first! It made the groom spit champagne out of his mouth and onto my face so now I'm drunk. Help, Grandma!

Welcome to Jupiter's landing! Ah yes, "Home away from Earth". At this space station spa and resort, the stars are always aligned and...UH OH! Hang on to your moon boots everyone, I'm faaaaaaartiiiiiiiinnnnnng...

(explosion) 

Burger Daniel here! Telling all you kids to stay in school! Or else you'll end up like me, an illiterate little cheeseburger man stuck inside a burger. My best friend is a fucking pickle and american cheese is my blanket. My only comfort are the buns I live betwixt. Actually...come to think of it I like living here. Forget what I said. A burger is a fine place to be! 

"beep bop, bloop blop, beep beep. do do do bleep blop." - Robot 

- Chucky Berry

A Poem of Epic Length, by Chucky P. Bunson Berry

Fellow classmates! It's been a wonderful semester. Learned a lot. Hope to see you all again in the fall. I promise I won't set off the fire sprinklers again.

Congratulations! You just lost the lottery again.

Dear professor,
My dog ate my homework last night. His name is Gerald D. Dog and he's half chocolate lab, half golden retriever. We think he might have some Geman shepherd in him as well. As I understand it, you are a dog enthusiast . According to my  class notes from November 12th, you said, "I have two dogs at home."
In conclusion, as one dog owner to another, have a beautiful day.

P.S. hopefully we can get together some time and chat over those sandwiches I've been thinking about.

Cheers,
Duncoln

Aliens invaded my home last night. They stole my bike. Thankfully they left my beanie baby collection alone. Thought they did probe me.

When Jesus of Nazareth ventured into the streets to preach the Gospel, he was most likely fired from his carpentry job. Later on they probably offered him his old job back but he had bigger fish to fry. (Mathew: 49)

Welcome to the Great Riverboat ladies and gentlemen! Grab a cigar, get some gambling chips by the bar and have a drink on the house. Uh oh! We're sinking!

Do peanuts feel pain? Probably so if they've been de-shelled. How else will they learn their lesson?

To the little fly, I'm sure a single ice cream sprinkle would be plenty. But not for me. More sprinkles please!
(rainbow.)

A book is a terrible thing to read.

All Gods Go To Heaven.

Beware of God.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And so is tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after that. Ah well, same ol' same ol'.

Butter makes everything better. Especially bare butt banister sliding.

I believe snails are God's way of saying, "Follow the slime"

I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Turns out it's butter after all.

My iphone doubles as my cat's ipad.

They say there's mountains in these parts.

Baby flies are called maggots, so how come baby butterflies are called caterpillars? What's wrong with calling them "buttermaggots"?

Why was 9 left sexually unsatisfied? Because 7 ate 9 and 6 came before all of them.

Cradle of Filth is a pretty snazzy band name, I'll give you that.

A ten gallon hat must way a ton! No? Well it looks pretty heavy, let's just leave it at that.

Turtle ass.
Make-believe-lawyer.
Friends with Bennefers starring Ben, Jen, and Dupree.
Remember the alimony.
Burgers are forever.
Plenty of those where I come from! (Banana goblin bat-people)
You're tree house is infested with Keeblers. Better call the Terminator.

My credit card doubles as my pet rat's lunch tray.


-Chucky P. Bunson Berry

How To Make It In Show Biz, by Chucky Berry

First thing is get a good lawyer. Make sure he's a fat pilgrim. If he wears alligator skin undies then look no further. If his hair piece is rainbow color then he's the wrong tootsie for the pop. You need someone who takes themselves deathly seriously and a flamboyant hairdo is a big fat red flag that says, "I'm an idiot with a doctorate in computer math!"

Next up: You need the right look. And this is important. No matter what you look like, you'll need a makeover. I suggest Debby Cherry's Makeover Pavilion: America's first chain of makeover stores serving the ugly people of America since 1643 A.D. (dog years)

Step 3 will make or break your stank ass. To really make it in show biz, whether it's singing, actin', dancin', danzig, doin' the charleston thing-a-marangue, or just straight up old fashioned tom foolery at a pool party, you MUST wear a suit made of 100% corn. Remember that like it's your name.

Which brings us to the last rule of making it in showbiz. "Hello, my name is..." will either be the sentence to spark your career or the sentence that sentences you to jail. No parole. Throw away the key. "We don't need this character in Hollywood, Thank you! Take the bus home, idiot " See where I'm going with this?

Your name is the word people say to refer to you.

 And it's also how you address yourself so make sure it isn't "Shit Head" or "Cow Dick" or "Burger Daniel". You must pick a name that cries out to the world, "IMPORTANT PERSON". So here's a short list of good important and famous sounding names to work off of:

Mos'
Rudolph
St. Nick
Jesus of Nazareth
JFK
Holyfeild
Jabba
Othello
Monopoly (Man)
Furby
Adolph
Maxamillionaire
Furby

So now that you have a good lawyer, your makeover is l@@kin' G@@d, fresh corn suit on, and your new name is Adolph or Furby, Go out and knock on every door you come in contact with.

And THAT'S how you make it in show biz.

- Chucky Berry

Chucky Berry is a master jingle writer at Nabisco

Eye Candy

My favorite candy is eye candy. Now I know what you're thinking...

...and you thought right.

I like to suck on juicy eyeballs and squish them in my mouth and eat the veins!

- Gross Joe

Tim Bucket In Space

The fastest animal is a Cheetah. Everyone knows that. WRONG. The fastest animal is an alien from Planet 82. He knows no such confines as feet, legs, or DICK. He doesn't know DICK from TITS and that's because his kind evolved from the marshlands of North Xylokrang on Planet 82 where vapor is king and noxious gas is the coin of the realm, my friends.

As soon as I construct my jet pack suit I'll be seeing it all for myself and broadcasting my journeys live via Youtube. That is, if the space goblins accept me as one of their own.

Anyone have any green makeup?

- Tim Bucket